Slogans

A professor was giving a lecture on company slogans in a college advertising and marketing class.

“Joe,” he asked, “which company has the slogan, ‘Come fly the friendly skies’?”

“United Airlines.” Joe answered.

“Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, “I'm Lovin' It?”

Brenda answered McDonalds with no difficulty.

“Now John, Tell me who says, ‘Just do it’?”

And John answered, “Mom?”

A Pair of Blondes...

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, “Look at that dog with one eye!”

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, “Where?”

The New Stamp

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

The Call from Home

A man leaves home on an extended vacation. After being gone for two weeks he calls his brother at home to inquire of the state of his household.

The brother bluntly states that, “Your cat died!”

The man replies, “That is such a cold unfeeling attitude and no way to break bad news to me while I am so far away. What you should have said was, “I am sorry to tell you this, but your cat climbed up onto the roof…and couldn’t get down. I called the fire department and they came to get her. While she was being brought to the ground, she jumped from the arms of the fireman, and fell to the ground. We rushed to the vet with her, but she died from her injuries.”

The man continued, “That would have been a much nicer way to give me the news.”

The brother agreed and they continued their conversation.

After a few minutes, the caller asked, “SO, how’s my Mother-in Law?”

There was a 30 second delay then the brother slowly responded, “………….Well….She’s on the roof!”

The Job Interview

Interviewing for an engineering position at Fed Ex, a Yankee and a good-ol’ boy applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the Yankee the job.”

Bubba asked: “And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Tennessee, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!”

The manager said: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed.”

Bubba then asked: “What’cha mean?”

The manager replied: “Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down; “I don’t know.”

You put down, “Neither do I.”

Grandma's 100th Birthday

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, “Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew… “I’m okay, but they won’t let me pass gas!!!”

The Horse Auction

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his Father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”

His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”

Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the FedEx guy wants to buy Mom.”

Women are so Touchy!

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, “What happened to you?”

“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”

“I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt!”

Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours! I don’t remember much of anything after that.”

Squeezing a Lemon

The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time, including the professional wrestlers and bodybuilders, but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked up past his belly button.

He said in a squeaky annoying voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, “Ok,” grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What did you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, weight lifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

No Money For Food

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

They all entered the limo and one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”

The Blonde and the Police

A brunette and a blonde were speeding down the street when they passed a cop.

“Oh no!” cried the brunette. “Is he following me?”

“Yep,” replied the blonde.

“I’m going to drive down this little side road, okay?” said the brunette.

“Yep,” replied the blonde.

“Is the cop still following me?”

“Yep.”

“Are his lights on?” “Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope…”

Spelling Your Way Into Heaven

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her.

“Which word?” the woman asked.

“Love.”

The woman correctly spelled “Love” and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. “I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”

“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the powerball lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.

“Which word?” her husband asked.

“Czechoslovakia.”

Emptional Extremes

Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three different universities, were attending their first class on “emotional extremes.”

The professor asked the student from University of Tennessee, “What is the opposite of joy?”
“Sadness’” said the student.

“And the opposite of depression?” he asked the young lady from University of Memphis.
“Elation,” she said.

“And you, sir,” he said to the student from University of Arkansas, “How about the opposite of woe?”

The student replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy up.”

Government Contracting

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The New Jersey contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official

Baptizing a Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”

“Yes I am” replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother have you found Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t.” The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, “Have you found Jesus, my brother?”

The drunk again answers, “No, I have not found Jesus.”

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

Part in a Play

Little Johnny’s dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.

Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Little Johnny enthusiastically announced that he’d gotten a part. “I play a man who’s been married for twenty years.”

“That’s great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they’ll be giving you a speaking part.”

Church Donations

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a plain pink envelope containing $1000.

It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. “Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”

The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.”

The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice?”

The little old lady said proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”

Face Cream

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face. “Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”

Military Man

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by the University of Memphis.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant Major said, “Just serious by nature.”

“The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you kissed a woman?”

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, “1955.”

So, she took a deep breath….looked into his eyes…took his head in her hands…and kissed him like there was no tomorrow!

Then, she said, “Wow, you’re a great kisser! You sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now."

Blonde Social Studies

The social studies teacher talked about today's headlines. In the first row a blonde student simply stared into space ignoring the teacher.

However when the teacher started to discuss the article where three Brazilian soldiers were killed in a bus accident, all of the color from the blonde's student's face. Then she collapsed onto her desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.

Concerned for the student, the teacher walked over to the blonde and asked "Are you all right? Is there something I can do?"

The blonde composed herself and asked, “How many is a brazillion?”

Heavenly Baseball

One day the devil called up St. Peter and challenged him to a baseball game.

“Okay,” St. Peter said, “But you know we have all the great players up here in Heaven.”

“You’ll lose anyway,” the devil said.

“Don’t be foolish,” St. Peter replied. “We’re sure to win. Why we have Dizzy Dean, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, Jackie Robinson and Mickey Mantle.

“I know,” the devil interrupted, “But we have all the umpires!”

The Baby With No Ears

Little Johnny’s next-door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny’s family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny’s parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny’s dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
He said, “Now, son…that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I’m really going to spank your butt when we get back home.”

“I promise not to mention his ears at all,” said Little Johnny.

At the neighbor’s home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and said, “Oh, what a beautiful little baby!”

The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny’s comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, “Thank you very much, Little Johnny.”

He then said, “This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see well?”

The mother, hesitantly replies “Why, yes… his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?”

Little Johnny said, “Well, it’s a good thing, cause he’d be in deep trouble if he needed to wear glasses!”

Late For Work

Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career.

However, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was confused about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk. “Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”

“Yes, I know boss and I am working on it.”

“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear. It’s odd though, your coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there”?

“They said, ‘Good morning, General.’”

Funnies

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome" "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer!"

17 A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

18. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, " Have you been in the service?"

Yes," he says. "I was in the armed forces for three years"

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M. ?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Canceling Credit Cards

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February andMarch for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still
apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given.)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given.)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more Ican do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." (What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

Be Careful Around Old People

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
Of seniors down a highway
When he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,
Which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
Again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again
He asks the little old lady,
" why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,
"We just love the chocolate around them."

Over Sixty?

Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60 + year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these".

Now to Classify a New Employee

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

T.G.I.F. vs S.H.I.T.

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at the blonde and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

The Zebra

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St.Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?

St Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God,
please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?

"The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said, You are what you are"

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, there you are. You are white with
blackstripes."

The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that for certain?

"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is".