University of Memphis Football

The coach had put together the perfect team for the University of Memphis.

The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the High Schools and even other colleges, but he couldn’t find a quarterback who could ensure a Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan boy with a truly incredible arm. He threw a rock straight into a window from 80 yards away.

“I’ve got to get this guy!” Coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”

So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football……………and the Tigers win one game after another….they eventually get invted to the Rose Bowl….and WIN!!

The young Afghan is hailed as a great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Rose Bowl!”

“I don’t want to talk to you,” the old woman says. “You are not my son!”

“Mother, I don’t think you understand,” pleads the son, “I’ve just won the greatest College sporting event in the world!”

“No! Let me tell you,” his mother retorts. “At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get assaulted!”

The old lady pauses then tearfully says, ” I will never forgive you for making us move to Memphis!”

Go Fer It, Bubba

Bubba had been going to Ole Miss for 11 years and just couldn’t graduate.

One day, the dean of students calls Bubba in to his office and says, “Bubba, we’re going to give you the opportunity to graduate. A month from now, at half time of the homecoming football game, we are going to bring you out on the field and ask you one question. If you get it right, you get your degree. If you get it wrong, you have to go home without it and not come back.”

Bubba agreed to this and ran off to start studying. He studied night and day for a month.

Finally the day came. The whole stadium was packed with Ole Miss students and alumni, all waiting to see how Bubba would do.

The dean stepped up and said, “Bubba, are you ready for your question?”

Bubba said he was.

The dean said, “Bubba, what is 3 X 3?”

Bubba thought about it for about ten minutes and then finally stepped up to the microphone and said, “9?”

Before the dean could respond, thousands of the Ole Miss students and alumni jumped up and yelled, “GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!!”

Robins

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

"I am so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one. "Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "OK," said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun.

No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat sneaks up and gobbles them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

The Afterlife

A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to word he made contact, "Connie....Connie. ."

"Is that you, Joe?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!"

"Not exactly...I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

Avoiding te Flu

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn 't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

Tarzan, King of the Elephant Trunk

Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the jungles of Africa. The lion is defeated, but not before it rips off Tarzan's arm, eye, and dick. Of course, Tarzan's jungle friends help him out by giving him the parts he needs -- the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a dick. A while later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him.
"Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no like new wee-wee."

"Why's that?"

"It keep taking weeds and shoving in Tarzan's ass."

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

Poverty Amongst Teens

We just spent several hours observing teenagers hanging out at our local mall. We came to the conclusion that many teenagers in America today are living in poverty. Most young men we observed didn't even own a belt; there was not one among the whole group.

But that wasn't the sad part. Many were wearing their daddy's jeans. Some jeans were so big and baggy they hung low on their hips, exposing their underwear. I know some must have been ashamed their daddy was short, because his jeans hardly went below their knees. They weren't even their daddies' good jeans, for most had holes ripped in the knees and a dirty look to them.

It grieved us, in a modern, affluent society like America, that there are those who can't afford a decent pair of jeans. I was thinking about asking my church to start a jeans drive for "poor kids at the mall." Then on Christmas Eve, we could go Christmas caroling and distribute jeans to these poor teenagers.

But here is the saddest part . . . it was the girls that were hanging out there that disturbed us most. Never, in all of our lives, have we seen such poverty-stricken girls.

These girls had the opposite problem of the guys. They all had to wear their little sister's clothes. Their jeans were about 5 sizes too small! I don't know how they could get them on, let alone button them up. Their jeans barely went over their hipbones. Most also had on their little sister's top; it hardly covered their midsections. Oh, they were trying to hold their heads up with pride, but it was a sad sight to see these almost grown women wearing children's clothes.

However, it was their underwear that bothered us most. They, like the boys, because of the improper fitting of their clothes, had their underwear exposed. We had never seen anything like it. It looked like their underwear was only held together by a single piece of string.

We know it saddens your heart to receive this report on condition of our American teenagers. While we go to bed every night with a closets full of clothes nearby, there are millions of "mall girls" who barely have enough material to keep it together.

We think their "poorness" is why these 2 groups gather at the mall; boys with their short daddies' ripped jeans, and girls wearing their younger sisters' clothes. The mall is one place where they can find acceptance. So, next time you are at the mall, doing your shopping , and you pass by some of these poor teenagers, would you say a prayer for them?

And one more thing. Will you pray the guys' pants won't fall down, and the girls' strings won't break?

The Blonde's Overseas Phone Call

A blonde went into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

"Well, then, just follow me." said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

"Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead take it out....." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered...

"Well ... go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said ....

"Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"

The Blonde and the Body Builder

The body builder takes off his shirt, and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have." He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He takes off his pants, and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.

“I realize its terrible weather out there, but I’m recently widowed and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house”.

“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do.” said Bob

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.” Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”

Three Sisters

3 sisters ages 92, 94 & 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in & pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up & see.”

She starts up the stairs & pauses. “Was I going up the stairs or down?”

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head & says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful, ‘knock on wood”’ Then, she knocked on her wooden’table for good measure.

She then yells, “I’ll come up & help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

The Best Mother-In-Law Joke

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any more skin from his body because he was too skinny. So, the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about the about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was complete, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”

“My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

Homeless Gift

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and while holding the bill in her hand she asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago”, the homeless woman replied.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked.

“No, I don’t waste time shopping”, the homeless woman said, “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this at a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.

“Are you NUTS?” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.

The homeless woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The woman replied, “That’s okay. Come as you are. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.”

In the Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.

A Conversation Between A Lawyer And A Witness

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Creation of the Dakotas

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found Him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have You been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed down through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made!"

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. And over there I've placed a continent of white people, while over here is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's the Dakotas, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people from the Dakotas are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in Montana, Minnesota and Nebraska."

A Conversation with God

A man is talking to God:

The man: “God, how long is a million years?”

God replies: “To me, it’s about a minute.”

The man: “God, how much is a million dollars?”

God: “To me it’s a penny.”

The man: “God, may I have a penny?”

God: “In a minute.”

Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago and her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same. She stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer you my deepest condolences"

Coincidence

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there, good looking. How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ....It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "WOW!!! What a coincidence..I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

The Blonde and the Heartattack

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten bitch," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!"

The Summer Olympics

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics. He said that, "Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."

The Redneck Hunters

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.

He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 9-1-1.

He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”

Little Johnny's Goes To Church

Little Johnny went to mass one evening, and came home with a black eye.

“Little Johnny!” His grandmother exclaimed, “What happened?”

“Well,” Little Johnny began, “I was at mass, and Mrs. O’Malley stood up in front of me and her dress was tucked into her underwear. So I pulled it out and she hit me with her purse.”

“Oh, Little Johnny,” said his grandmother, “You must behave yourself in church.”

The next week Little Johnny came home from mass with another black eye.

“Little Johnny! What happened now?” cried his grandmother.

“Well, when Mrs. O’Malley stood up today her dress was tucked in her underwear again. Mrs. McPhearson reached over and pulled it out. I knew Mrs. O’Malley didn’t like that, so I put it back in.”

A Death in the Family

A Blonde is setting at her desk. When the phone rings and she answers it; she says, “Oh, No! That’s terrible!”

She hangs up the phone and starts crying hysterically.

Her boss walks over and asks her, “Who was that on the phone? What’s wrong?”

She sobs, “That was the hospital. My Mother has died.”

Her boss says, “I’m sorry. If you need to take the day off or anything just let me know.”

A little while later her phone rings again. Again, she says, ” Oh No! That’s terrible!”

She hangs up the phone and starts crying hysterically again.

Her boss then asks, “Who was that on the phone. What’s wrong now?!”

She sobs, “That was my sister. Her Mom died too.”

Secrets of a Sucessful Marriage

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church’s marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, “Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”

The minister inquired “Trips to where?”

“For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”

The minister then said, “What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph.

Please tell the audience what you’re going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?”

Ralph smiles and said…. “I’m gonna go get her.”

The Hillbilly Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a North Georgia mountain couple decided that 11 kids was enough.

So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. But, the doctor said there was a cheaper alternative. He advised the husband to go home, get a cherry bomb firecracker, light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

“Trust me,” said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 - At which point he paused placing the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand…

This procedure also works in parts of Louisiana, Kentucky, Arkansas, West Virginia and everywhere in Texas.

The Congressman and Whiskey

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey…

The Congressman held his chin high and said, “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise!”

Quick DJ Joke

What’s the difference between a savings bond and a Radio DJ?

A savings bond matures and eventually earns money.

The Middle Aged Married Couple

A middle aged married couple were reading the paper one Sunday morning, when suddenly the wife sets the paper down and looks at her husband and tells him, if something were to happen to me, I want you to remarry and live a full happy life.

The husband responded…yea, yea, whatever.

A short time later, the wife sets the paper down again and says, if you do remarry, you and your new wife won’t live in this house, will you?

The husband answered, no dear, I’ll buy a new house.

Shortly thereafter, the wife asked, you and your new wife won’t sleep in our new bed, will you?

No dear, responds the husband, I’ll buy new furniture.

And most importantly, you won’t let her play with my brand new golf clubs, will you?

No, responded the husband, she’s left handed.