A man and his new blonge wife were walking on the beach on their honeymoon, when he noticed a dead seagull lying on the beach, and said "Oh look at that poor dead bird!"
His blonde wife looked up in to the sky and scanned the horizon and said, “Where is it?”
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Little Johnny's Birthday
Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his Mother that he wanted a bike for his birthday.
Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker and his mother didn’t think he deserved a bike. So, she said, “Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.”
Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Johnny.
Johnny knew that it was not true. He had not been a good boy this year, so he tore it up and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year. I still would like a bike for my birthday. Johnny.
Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Johnny wrote a third letter.
Letter 3
Dear God, I know I haven’t been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Johnny.
Johnny knew that it was not true. By now he was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother that he needed to go to church.
She thought her plan had worked.
He went to the altar. Johnny looked around to see if anyone was looking as he bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it up under his shirt and ran out the church going back home. He ran to his room and shut the door. Johnny began to write his letter to God.
Letter 4
Dear God,
I got yo mama. If you ever want to see her again, send the bike.
Signed, You know who
Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker and his mother didn’t think he deserved a bike. So, she said, “Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.”
Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Johnny.
Johnny knew that it was not true. He had not been a good boy this year, so he tore it up and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year. I still would like a bike for my birthday. Johnny.
Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Johnny wrote a third letter.
Letter 3
Dear God, I know I haven’t been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Johnny.
Johnny knew that it was not true. By now he was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother that he needed to go to church.
She thought her plan had worked.
He went to the altar. Johnny looked around to see if anyone was looking as he bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it up under his shirt and ran out the church going back home. He ran to his room and shut the door. Johnny began to write his letter to God.
Letter 4
Dear God,
I got yo mama. If you ever want to see her again, send the bike.
Signed, You know who
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
The Talking Clock
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
“What’s that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked the astonished friend.
“Yup,” replied the drunk.
“How’s it work?” the other friend asked, squinting at it.
“Watch this,” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering hit, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed , “You FREAKING idiot, it’s three fifteen in the morning!”
“What’s that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked the astonished friend.
“Yup,” replied the drunk.
“How’s it work?” the other friend asked, squinting at it.
“Watch this,” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering hit, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed , “You FREAKING idiot, it’s three fifteen in the morning!”
Monday, June 26, 2006
The Blonde's Accident
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”
“Yes, officer, I’m just fine” the blonde chirped.
“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blonde began. “I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was….”
“Uh, ma’am,” the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”
“Yes, officer, I’m just fine” the blonde chirped.
“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blonde began. “I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was….”
“Uh, ma’am,” the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”
Saturday, June 24, 2006
A Suit for the Mayor
Mayor Herenton received some fine Italian Worsted Wool “suit material” from one of his constituents.
He went to his Memphis tailor and they told him they were sorry, but there was not enough material for a suit for him.
Undaunted, he went to another tailor in Memphis, and received the same response–not enough material.
Later, Mayor Herenton was in Olive Branch, MS and stopped into a tailor there.
The Olive Branch tailor told the mayor, “Yes, sir, I can build you a fine suit, with an extra pair of pants, and a vest!”
Mayor Herenton responded that was great, but that he had been told by his Memphis tailor that there was not enough material.
The Olive Branch tailor answered back “Well, you’re not as big of a man down here in Mississippi”.
He went to his Memphis tailor and they told him they were sorry, but there was not enough material for a suit for him.
Undaunted, he went to another tailor in Memphis, and received the same response–not enough material.
Later, Mayor Herenton was in Olive Branch, MS and stopped into a tailor there.
The Olive Branch tailor told the mayor, “Yes, sir, I can build you a fine suit, with an extra pair of pants, and a vest!”
Mayor Herenton responded that was great, but that he had been told by his Memphis tailor that there was not enough material.
The Olive Branch tailor answered back “Well, you’re not as big of a man down here in Mississippi”.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Alive at 92
An old Cajun was celebrating his 92 years on this Earth. Sitting down, he smiled and spoke to his toes.
"Hello, dere toes!" he said, "how you are toes? You know, you 92 today! Oh, de times we had! Remember when we walk along de bayou wit all dem pretty girls every Sunday afternoon? Dem times we deaux-si-deauxed on de dance floor wit dem same womens? Oh yeah, ahh-heeee! Happy birthday, toes!"
"Hello dere, knees," he continued. "How you are, knees? You know you 92 today. Oh, de times we had, huh! Remember when we march in de crawfish parade? Oh boy, de hurdles we jumped together me and you. Happy birthday, knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch and shook his head. "Hello dere Pierre! You little booger you! Did you know, if you was alive today, you'd be 92."
"Hello, dere toes!" he said, "how you are toes? You know, you 92 today! Oh, de times we had! Remember when we walk along de bayou wit all dem pretty girls every Sunday afternoon? Dem times we deaux-si-deauxed on de dance floor wit dem same womens? Oh yeah, ahh-heeee! Happy birthday, toes!"
"Hello dere, knees," he continued. "How you are, knees? You know you 92 today. Oh, de times we had, huh! Remember when we march in de crawfish parade? Oh boy, de hurdles we jumped together me and you. Happy birthday, knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch and shook his head. "Hello dere Pierre! You little booger you! Did you know, if you was alive today, you'd be 92."
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Hallmark Cards That Didn't Make It
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, Kentucky, Oklahoma & West Virginia )
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
I 'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, Kentucky, Oklahoma & West Virginia )
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
I 'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Southern Georgia Air Traffic Control
Atlanta ATC: "Atlanta Center to Saudi Air 911. You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta Center. Acknowledged, cleared to land on Infidel's runway 9R. Allah be Praised."
Atlanta ATC: "Atlanta Center to Iran Air 515. You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9-R."
Iran Air:" Thank you Atlanta Center. We are cleared to land on Infidel's runway
9-R. Allah is Great."
Pause: STATIC......................
Saudi Air: "ATLANTA CENTER - ATLANTA CENTER"
Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"
Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts and praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- ya hear?"
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta Center. Acknowledged, cleared to land on Infidel's runway 9R. Allah be Praised."
Atlanta ATC: "Atlanta Center to Iran Air 515. You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9-R."
Iran Air:" Thank you Atlanta Center. We are cleared to land on Infidel's runway
9-R. Allah is Great."
Pause: STATIC......................
Saudi Air: "ATLANTA CENTER - ATLANTA CENTER"
Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"
Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts and praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- ya hear?"
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
The Coach
At one point during a little-league game, the coach called over one of his 9-year-old players and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him dirty names. Do you understand all that?
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not “good sportsmanship” to call your coach a dirty name?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your Mother.”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him dirty names. Do you understand all that?
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not “good sportsmanship” to call your coach a dirty name?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your Mother.”
Doctor For A Day
A doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant, "Ya Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients".
"Yes, sir..." answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks, "So Ole, how was your day?"
Ole tells him he took care of 3 patients.
"The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL", says Ole.
"Bravo ya Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir", says Ole.
"Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies down on the table spread her legs and shouts, 'HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!' "
"And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor.
"I put eye drops in her eyes."
"Yes, sir..." answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks, "So Ole, how was your day?"
Ole tells him he took care of 3 patients.
"The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL", says Ole.
"Bravo ya Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir", says Ole.
"Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies down on the table spread her legs and shouts, 'HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!' "
"And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor.
"I put eye drops in her eyes."
Monday, June 19, 2006
The Perfect Password
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Dear Abby
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Jersey City.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time 'working girl.'
My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my uncle who is helping Hillary Clinton run for president?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Jersey City.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time 'working girl.'
My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my uncle who is helping Hillary Clinton run for president?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
Saturday, June 17, 2006
The Power Of Booze
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay.
Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head!"
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay.
Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head!"
Friday, June 16, 2006
A Dog Learns To Read
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says,"I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.
The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says,"I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.
The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Semantics!
A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:
"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband,Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.
"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. The word is: STERNUM!"
"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband,Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.
"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. The word is: STERNUM!"
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Exotic Dancer
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the Nomination of Hillary Clinton in 2008, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the Nomination of Hillary Clinton in 2008, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Inspecting Mouse Balls
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Future History
One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he had been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I have told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and does not reside here. Don't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I have told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and does not reside here. Don't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Arkansas Razorbacks
Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir."
Saturday, June 10, 2006
'English Hospitality'?
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
Friday, June 09, 2006
Close Shave
A man went to a barber for a trim and a shave. While the barber was lathering the man up for his shave, the man told the barber that he always has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.
The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place this ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and I can give you a close shave."
The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side of his face. "Wow!" exclaimed the man, "that is great!" He put the ball in the left side of his mouth, in anticipation of the barber's next move and with muffled voice asked,"Buh wat happens if I accidentowy swawo du baw?"
The barber said, "Just bring it back tomorrow. That's what most guys do."
The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place this ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and I can give you a close shave."
The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side of his face. "Wow!" exclaimed the man, "that is great!" He put the ball in the left side of his mouth, in anticipation of the barber's next move and with muffled voice asked,"Buh wat happens if I accidentowy swawo du baw?"
The barber said, "Just bring it back tomorrow. That's what most guys do."
Thursday, June 08, 2006
If You Laugh...You Could Go Straight To Hell
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks over at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."
He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."
Attention all Shoppers
This letter was recently sent by Wal-Mart's Head Office to a customer in Memphis:-
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart, the Manager of our store in Memphis is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... And watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Coleman gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown
Store Manager
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart, the Manager of our store in Memphis is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... And watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Coleman gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown
Store Manager
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Dear Abby
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief , woman. You don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief , woman. You don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Chinese Sick Day
Hung Chow calls into work and says,“Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work.”
The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say, I feel great. I be work soon...you got nice house.”
The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say, I feel great. I be work soon...you got nice house.”
Sunday, June 04, 2006
The Year's Best (actual) Headlines
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Imagine that!
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
You think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Huh, I would of thought they were all dead!
Imagine that!
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
You think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Huh, I would of thought they were all dead!
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Sadahm's Sons
All the obits written about Saddam were incomplete.
A corrected copy: He was predeceased by two sons, Uday and Qusay, and is survived by 15 sons:
Sooflay, a restauranteur, Guday, who lives in Australia, Huray, a sports fanatic, Sashay, who is gay, Kuntay and Kintay, twins living in Africa, Sayhay, a baseball player, Ojay, a stalker and murderer, Gulay, a singer and entertainer, Ebay, an internet entrepreneur, Biliray, a country music star, Ecksray, a radiologist, Puray, a manufacturer of kitchen blenders, Raygay, who lives in Jamaica, and Tupay, who is bald, and by seven daughters, Lattay, a coffee shop owner, Bufay, a big eater, Dushay, owner of a feminine care products company, Phayray, an actress, Sapheway, a
grocery store owner, Ollay, who lives in Mexico, and Gudlay,a prostitute.
There is reportedly another surviving son, Oyvay, but he has been disowned by the family.
A corrected copy: He was predeceased by two sons, Uday and Qusay, and is survived by 15 sons:
Sooflay, a restauranteur, Guday, who lives in Australia, Huray, a sports fanatic, Sashay, who is gay, Kuntay and Kintay, twins living in Africa, Sayhay, a baseball player, Ojay, a stalker and murderer, Gulay, a singer and entertainer, Ebay, an internet entrepreneur, Biliray, a country music star, Ecksray, a radiologist, Puray, a manufacturer of kitchen blenders, Raygay, who lives in Jamaica, and Tupay, who is bald, and by seven daughters, Lattay, a coffee shop owner, Bufay, a big eater, Dushay, owner of a feminine care products company, Phayray, an actress, Sapheway, a
grocery store owner, Ollay, who lives in Mexico, and Gudlay,a prostitute.
There is reportedly another surviving son, Oyvay, but he has been disowned by the family.
Friday, June 02, 2006
The Perfect Wal-Mart Greeter
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"
No replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"
No replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
Thursday, June 01, 2006
The top 10 things to say when caught sleeping at your at your desk
10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Tippex. You probably got here just in time"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"
NUMBER ONE best thing to do if you get caught sleeping at your desk........
1. Raise your head slowly and say, "..., Amen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Tippex. You probably got here just in time"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"
NUMBER ONE best thing to do if you get caught sleeping at your desk........
1. Raise your head slowly and say, "..., Amen."
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