Two friends were waling through the desert.During some point of the journey, they had an argument; and one friend slapped the other one in the face.
The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand: "Today my best friend slapped me in the face."
They kept on walking, until they found an oasis where they decided to take a bath.
The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.
After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: "Today my best friend saved my life."
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now you write on a stone. Why?
The friend replied, "When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand, where the winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."
Learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your benefits in stone.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.
Do not value the things you have in your life, but value who you have in your life!
Monday, May 29, 2006
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Dogs Welcome
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
Saturday, May 27, 2006
The South Dakota Cowboy
A South Dakota cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas... sign in front of a restaurant reads:
Happy Hour Special...
Lobster Tail and Beer
"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"
Happy Hour Special...
Lobster Tail and Beer
"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"
Friday, May 26, 2006
Wonderful Memories
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Pulling a Tooth
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist pulled out a freezing needle to numb the area. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient shouted.
The dentist started to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objected. "I can't do the gas thing! The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asked if the man had any objection to taking a pill. "No," the patient said, "I am fine with pills."
The dentist said, "Here is a Viagra tablet."
The patient replied: "Wow! I didn't know! Viagra works as a pain pill!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."
The dentist pulled out a freezing needle to numb the area. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient shouted.
The dentist started to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objected. "I can't do the gas thing! The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asked if the man had any objection to taking a pill. "No," the patient said, "I am fine with pills."
The dentist said, "Here is a Viagra tablet."
The patient replied: "Wow! I didn't know! Viagra works as a pain pill!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Rejected Motel 6 Slogans
15. Because you deserve better than the back-seat of some car.
14. As seen on "COPS."
13. If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets.
12. Not just for nooners anymore.
11. We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
10. You rented the room, now buy the video.
9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.
8. We'll leave the Lysol for Ya!
7. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on your salary, pal
6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*.
5. It's Hookerriffic!
4. Official lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.
3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
2. Cheap and easy - Just like your girlfriend.
1. We put the "Ho" in "Hotel."
14. As seen on "COPS."
13. If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets.
12. Not just for nooners anymore.
11. We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
10. You rented the room, now buy the video.
9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.
8. We'll leave the Lysol for Ya!
7. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on your salary, pal
6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*.
5. It's Hookerriffic!
4. Official lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.
3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
2. Cheap and easy - Just like your girlfriend.
1. We put the "Ho" in "Hotel."
Sunday, May 07, 2006
What Will Your Child Be?
A young couple worried that they would never be able to have a child…however, 1 year later, they were the proud parents of a big baby boy.
Being the constant worriers, they then started worrying about what he would be when he grew up…a baseball player….a doctor?
They decided when he was old enough, they would give him a ‘test’ to help determine his fate. When the time was right, they put 3 items on a table in front of the child…whichever one he picked up would prove to seal his fate for life..
The 3 items were: a Bible, in hopes he would be an evangelist; a whiskey bottle, in hopes he would not be a drunk; and a stack of money, in hopes he would choose the life of a banker.
The young child leaned up on the table and studied all 3 items.
All of a sudden, he scooped all 3 together in a pile, and picked them all up at once!!!
OH MY LORD!”, exclaimed his mother! ‘HE’S GONNA BE A POLITICIAN!!!”
Being the constant worriers, they then started worrying about what he would be when he grew up…a baseball player….a doctor?
They decided when he was old enough, they would give him a ‘test’ to help determine his fate. When the time was right, they put 3 items on a table in front of the child…whichever one he picked up would prove to seal his fate for life..
The 3 items were: a Bible, in hopes he would be an evangelist; a whiskey bottle, in hopes he would not be a drunk; and a stack of money, in hopes he would choose the life of a banker.
The young child leaned up on the table and studied all 3 items.
All of a sudden, he scooped all 3 together in a pile, and picked them all up at once!!!
OH MY LORD!”, exclaimed his mother! ‘HE’S GONNA BE A POLITICIAN!!!”
Saturday, May 06, 2006
The Dying Pastor
An old pastor lay dying.
He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.
As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, “Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?”
The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go.
He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.
As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, “Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?”
The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go.
Friday, May 05, 2006
A Southern Lady
A very genteel Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day.
As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixen to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, “Please don’t jump, think of your dear mother and father.”
He replied, “Mom and Dad are both dead; I’m going to jump.”
She said, “Well, think of your wife and children.”
He replied, “I’m not married and I don’t have any kids.”
She said, “Well, think of Robert E. Lee.”
He replied, “Who’s Robert E. Lee?”
She replied, “Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb Yankee.”
As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixen to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, “Please don’t jump, think of your dear mother and father.”
He replied, “Mom and Dad are both dead; I’m going to jump.”
She said, “Well, think of your wife and children.”
He replied, “I’m not married and I don’t have any kids.”
She said, “Well, think of Robert E. Lee.”
He replied, “Who’s Robert E. Lee?”
She replied, “Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb Yankee.”
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Mathematics
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
Monday, May 01, 2006
Redneck Pickup Lines
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)