A redneck father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend of yours, he's rough and common and stupid."
"Oh, no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Bubba's ever so clever. We've only been going out for 10 weeks and he's already cured me of that illness I used to get once a month!"
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Cheerios in the Morning
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" I don't know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" I don't know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Friday, April 28, 2006
John, Joe & Jack
John, Joe and Jack were stranded on an island for several years. One day John found a Lamp on the beach so he picked it up and took it to show his two friends. As he started to hand it to Joe, John noticed it was dirty and he rubbed the dirt off.
Suddenly there appeared a Genie, who said, “I’ve been in that lamp for centuries so I will grant you each one wish for releasing me.”
John said he was in the oil business in Texas and had a big beautiful ranch. He wished he could be back on his ranch. POOF! John was gone.
Joe said he wished he could be a millionaire on a cruise ship. POOF! Joe was gone too.
The Genie then turned to Jack and asked, “What is your wish?” After thinking for several minutes, Jack just couldn’t make up his mind. He suddenly blurted out, “I wish John and Joe were here to help me decide.”
POOF!!! John and Joe were back!!!
Suddenly there appeared a Genie, who said, “I’ve been in that lamp for centuries so I will grant you each one wish for releasing me.”
John said he was in the oil business in Texas and had a big beautiful ranch. He wished he could be back on his ranch. POOF! John was gone.
Joe said he wished he could be a millionaire on a cruise ship. POOF! Joe was gone too.
The Genie then turned to Jack and asked, “What is your wish?” After thinking for several minutes, Jack just couldn’t make up his mind. He suddenly blurted out, “I wish John and Joe were here to help me decide.”
POOF!!! John and Joe were back!!!
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Seeing Eye Dogs
Two women were out for a walk with their dogs. One had a Great Dane and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Great Dane said to her friend, “Let’s go over to that bar and get something to drink.”
The lady with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got our dogs with us.”
The one with the Great Dane said, “Just follow my lead.”
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Great Dane put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”
The woman with the Great Dane said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer said, “A Great Dane?”
The woman said, “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re really very good.”
“OK,” the bouncer said. “Come on in.”
The lady with the Chihuahua figured convincing him a Chihuahua was a seeing eye dog may be too far fetched, but thought “What the heck?”, so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”
The woman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer said, “A Chihuahua?”
The woman with the Chihuahua said, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!”
The lady with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got our dogs with us.”
The one with the Great Dane said, “Just follow my lead.”
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Great Dane put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”
The woman with the Great Dane said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer said, “A Great Dane?”
The woman said, “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re really very good.”
“OK,” the bouncer said. “Come on in.”
The lady with the Chihuahua figured convincing him a Chihuahua was a seeing eye dog may be too far fetched, but thought “What the heck?”, so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”
The woman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer said, “A Chihuahua?”
The woman with the Chihuahua said, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!”
Monday, April 17, 2006
The Blonde Sucide
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.
“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?”
“No, silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”
“So then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”
“So then?”
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger and the bullet went straight through."
“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.
“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?”
“No, silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”
“So then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”
“So then?”
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger and the bullet went straight through."
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Sam and Edith
Sam and Edith were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, while on vacation, their plane crashed, and they died.
They reached the pearly gates, and GOD took them to a beautiful mansion, with all their favorite clothes hanging in the closets. They gasped in astonishment when GOD said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.”
Sam asked how much all this was going to cost.
“Why, nothing,” God replied, “Remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”
Next they went into the kitchen and saw the lavish buffet, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, all for them to enjoy for free since, after all, this is heaven.
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Edith. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked.
“That’s the best part,” GOD replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!”
Sam pushed, “No gym to work out at?” ”
�Not unless you want to,” GOD Answered.
“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…”
“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself,” said God.
Sam glared at Edith and said, “You and your awful bran muffins. We could have been here 15 years ago!”
They reached the pearly gates, and GOD took them to a beautiful mansion, with all their favorite clothes hanging in the closets. They gasped in astonishment when GOD said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.”
Sam asked how much all this was going to cost.
“Why, nothing,” God replied, “Remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”
Next they went into the kitchen and saw the lavish buffet, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, all for them to enjoy for free since, after all, this is heaven.
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Edith. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked.
“That’s the best part,” GOD replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!”
Sam pushed, “No gym to work out at?” ”
�Not unless you want to,” GOD Answered.
“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…”
“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself,” said God.
Sam glared at Edith and said, “You and your awful bran muffins. We could have been here 15 years ago!”
Saturday, April 15, 2006
After More Than 60 Years
A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s beside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
“When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
“Honey,” he said, “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”
“Oh,” she said, “That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s beside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
“When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
“Honey,” he said, “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”
“Oh,” she said, “That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”
Friday, April 14, 2006
The Seeing Eye Dog
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store.
The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog, holds him over his head and begins spinning around and around in circles.
The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what’s going on.
The store manager approaches the blind man and says, “Pardon me. May I help you with something?”
The blind man says, “No thanks. I’m just looking around.”
The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog, holds him over his head and begins spinning around and around in circles.
The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what’s going on.
The store manager approaches the blind man and says, “Pardon me. May I help you with something?”
The blind man says, “No thanks. I’m just looking around.”
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Church Squirrels
There were four country churches in a small Texas town…the Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.
In the Baptist Church, the deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptism pool and drown the squirrels in it. But…the squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But — The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.
In the Baptist Church, the deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptism pool and drown the squirrels in it. But…the squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But — The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Give a pet a pill
How to give the cat a pill
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail and get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to give the dog a pill
Wrap it in bacon.
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail and get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to give the dog a pill
Wrap it in bacon.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Preaching to the Bear
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi, would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. Well, they all decided to go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. He claimed, “Well brothers, I went out and found a bear, too. And then I read to the bear from The Bible. But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast, and traction, with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start…”
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. He claimed, “Well brothers, I went out and found a bear, too. And then I read to the bear from The Bible. But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast, and traction, with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start…”
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Hang Gliding
In West Virginia, you don’t see too many people hang-gliding.� Nevertheless, Bubba decided to save up and get himself a hang-glider.
He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge — into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin’ on the porch swing talkin’ ’bout the good ole days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever saw!
“Look at the size of that bird, Paw!” she exclaims.
Paw raises up,” Git my gun, Maw.”
She runs into the house and brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG…BANG…..BANG…..BANG! The monster sized bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
“I think ya missed him, Paw,” she says.
“Yeah,” he replies, “but at least he let go of Bubba!”
He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge — into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin’ on the porch swing talkin’ ’bout the good ole days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever saw!
“Look at the size of that bird, Paw!” she exclaims.
Paw raises up,” Git my gun, Maw.”
She runs into the house and brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG…BANG…..BANG…..BANG! The monster sized bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
“I think ya missed him, Paw,” she says.
“Yeah,” he replies, “but at least he let go of Bubba!”
Friday, April 07, 2006
Code of Silence
There was an order of monks who had the strictest code of silence in the world. They were only allowed to say 2 words every 10 years.
One day a young monk joined the order and went to work in the vineyards.
After 10 years had passed, the head monk approached him and said, “My son it is now time to speak your 2 words”.
The young monk replied with “hard bed”. He returned to work for another 10 years.
When the head monk approached him a second time and said "My son, it's time again to speak your 2 words."
This time he said “Bad food”.
Ten more years went by and the head monk approached him again and said, "My son, it;s time again to speak your 2 words."
This time the young monk replied “I quit”.
The old monk replied and said, “It doesn’t surprise me, all you’ve done is complain since you’ve been here”.
One day a young monk joined the order and went to work in the vineyards.
After 10 years had passed, the head monk approached him and said, “My son it is now time to speak your 2 words”.
The young monk replied with “hard bed”. He returned to work for another 10 years.
When the head monk approached him a second time and said "My son, it's time again to speak your 2 words."
This time he said “Bad food”.
Ten more years went by and the head monk approached him again and said, "My son, it;s time again to speak your 2 words."
This time the young monk replied “I quit”.
The old monk replied and said, “It doesn’t surprise me, all you’ve done is complain since you’ve been here”.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
A blonde called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher, "They’ve stolen my new stereo, the steering wheel, and even the brake pedal and the accelerator pedal!” she cried.
The dispatcher said, “Ma’m please stay calm an officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later the officer arrives. He investigates the scene and calls the dispatcher back saying, “Disregard that report of theft. The lady is a blond and she got in the back seat by mistake!!”
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher, "They’ve stolen my new stereo, the steering wheel, and even the brake pedal and the accelerator pedal!” she cried.
The dispatcher said, “Ma’m please stay calm an officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later the officer arrives. He investigates the scene and calls the dispatcher back saying, “Disregard that report of theft. The lady is a blond and she got in the back seat by mistake!!”
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
The Head of Household
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines; one line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St Peter."
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of all of you only one obeyed. Learn from him."
So, God turned to the one man who was standing in the "head of the household" line and said, "Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife just told me to stand here."
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of all of you only one obeyed. Learn from him."
So, God turned to the one man who was standing in the "head of the household" line and said, "Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife just told me to stand here."
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
The Blonde Calls an Airline
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?”
The agent replies, “Sure. Just a minute…”
“Thank you,” the blonde says, and hangs up.
The agent replies, “Sure. Just a minute…”
“Thank you,” the blonde says, and hangs up.
Monday, April 03, 2006
The Senator Goes to Heaven
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “We seldom see politicians around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you. You will have to spend one day in hell and one day in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy they run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.� Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit heaven.”
So, the senator joins a group of heavenly souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and eventually St. Peter returns to say “You must now choose your eternity.”
The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: “Well, I think I would be better off in hell.” So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
“I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today we were elected.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “We seldom see politicians around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you. You will have to spend one day in hell and one day in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy they run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.� Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit heaven.”
So, the senator joins a group of heavenly souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and eventually St. Peter returns to say “You must now choose your eternity.”
The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: “Well, I think I would be better off in hell.” So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
“I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today we were elected.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Hillbillys Discover Mirrors
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked,
“How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”
So, he bought the mirror or as he called it, the picture. But, on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn’t like his father.
So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly old HAG he has been runnin’ around with!”
In one of the stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked,
“How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”
So, he bought the mirror or as he called it, the picture. But, on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn’t like his father.
So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly old HAG he has been runnin’ around with!”
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