Monday, March 27, 2006

Cannibals at Work

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity,

“You are all part of our team now,” said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any employees.”

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard and I’m satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company’s performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”

The cannibals all shook their heads, “No.”

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?” A hand rose hesitantly. “You fool!” the leader continued. “For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something.”

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Memphians in Hell

A Memphian dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that the Memphian is not suffering like the rest. It was 90 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the Memphian and asks why he’s so happy. The Memphian says “I like it here. The temperature is just like going to a ballgame in June.”

The Devil isn’t happy with the Memphian’s answer and decides to get him, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90%.

The Devil then finds the Memphian standing around just as happy as can be. The Memphian says “This is even better. It’s like fishing during July.”

The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the Memphian suffer. He goes over to the controls and turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100%.

So he goes looking for the Memphian. He finds him sitting on the floor even happier than before. The Memphian says, “This is great, it’s just like sitting on my porch with my friends in August.”

The Devil says “That’s it, I’ll get this Memphian.” He goes over and turns the temperature down to a freezing 15 degrees and no humidity. Soon all of hell is frozen solid. “Let’s see what the Memphian has to say about this.”

The Devil looks around and finds the Memphian jumping up and down for joy and yelling, “THEY FINALLY FOUND SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE PYRAMID!”

Saturday, March 25, 2006

The World’s Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, “Will you marry me?”

The guy said, “No.”

The girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny, and never had to deal with someone passing gas in bed.

~ The End~

Friday, March 24, 2006

Blonde visits the Big City

A blonde from Nashville was visiting Washington DC one weekend and while walking along a busy street downtown she sees a sign in a store window which reads, “Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each and Trousers $2.50 a pair.”

The blonde says, “Woo Hoo! I could buy a ton of those clothes, take them back with me to Nashville, and sell them to all our friends for a huge profit!! And they say BLONDES are dumb! Humph!! ”

So, she goes into the store and says, “I’ll take 50 of the suits at $5.00 each, 100 the shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of pants at $2.50 each.”

The owner of the shop interrupts and says “Um…mam, we’re not a store, we’re dry-cleaners.”

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Ever Loving Husband

A man, his wife, and his ever-nagging mother in law went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.”

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?”

The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

The Fortune Teller

Hillery Clinton visits a fortune-teller.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the psychic delivered grave news. “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the fortuneteller’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know.

She met the fortuneteller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:

“Will I be found guilty?”

Monday, March 20, 2006

Brother Names the Babies

A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma.

When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, “Doc, what happened to my baby!”

The doctor replied, “Ma’am, you’ve had twins! You’re the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you.”

“Oh, no!” shrieked the woman. “Not my brother! He’s not really all together, if you know what I mean…he’s kind of a….well….redneck!”

The doctor replied, “Well, ma’am, you may not have anything to worry about…your brother named your daughter Denise.”

“Oh, that’s no so bad,” smiled the woman. Then she asked, “What’s the boy’s name?”

The doctor grinned and said, “Denephew.”

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Blonde Parking Space

A blonde was driving down the street in a cold-sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up dating and tequila.”

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, “Never mind, God, I found one.”

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Retiree's Day

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went down town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi turd." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "fat head." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came down town on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08." I try to have a little fun each day, now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Greying hair adds attraction. Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

The Price

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

“I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said, as he surveyed the worried faces.

“The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?”

The doctor quickly responded, $5,000 for a male brain, and $1,000 for a female brain.”

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more?”

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, “It’s just standard pricing procedure.

We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve been used!”

Friday, March 10, 2006

Stuck in Traffic

Stuck In Traffic

A Washington DC driver was on their way to Reston when he got stuck in a traffic jam on the George Washington Parkway. Nothing was moving in either direction.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, “What happened?” What’s the hold up?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped the Hillery Clinton. They are asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.”

The driver asks, “On average how much is everyone giving?”

“About a gallon.”

Thursday, March 09, 2006

The Blonde Helicopter Pilot

A blonde went to a helicopter flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day.

The owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. “I’m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this.”

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly.

The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said: “I don’t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can’t remember anything after I turned off the big fan.”

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Cowboy Fred

An apparently drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient: “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy what’s your name?”

“Fred,” the cowboy moaned.

“Where ya from, Fred?” asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied…
“The balcony…”

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Blonde in a Snow Storm

A blonde in Wisconsin had just gotten off of work and it was snowing REALLY hard…. to the point that visibility was almost zero!

The blonde made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She remembered her husband’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made the blonde feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her husband’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted…but he was done with the Target parking lot and was going over to Kmart next.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Little Old Ladies Driving

Two little old ladies, Betsy and Eva, were driving down a busy street when Betsy ran a red light.

A little way down the road she ran a second red light and then proceeded to run the third light!

Eva, being totally unnerved by this, said to her friend, “Betsy, do you realize that you just ran the last three red lights”?

Betsy replied, “Oh goodness, I thought you were driving”!!

Friday, March 03, 2006

Abe and Esther

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia, soon after Christmas, for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”

“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, Abe,” Esther replied. “I didn’t send that one, either.” Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?”

Abe answers, “They’ll find us!”

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Prison vs. Work

If you ever get these two environments confused, this should make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON…you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK…you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON…you get three meals a day for free.
AT WORK…you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON…you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK…you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all of the doors for you
AT WORK...you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

IN PRISON… you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK…you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet
AT WORK...you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit
AT WORK...you aren't even supposed to speak to your family

IN PRISON…all expenses are paid by the taxpayers.
AT WORK…you pay all your expenses to get to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON…you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK …you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON….You must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK…They are called managers.

So all I have to ask YOU, IS THIS REALLY FAIR?
Have a Good Day at Work!