A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
“Well,” said her mother, “So, how was the honeymoon?”
“Oh, Mama,” she replied, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…” Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language — things I’d never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words!- I’ve gotta come home, PLEASE MAMA!”
“Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “Calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful?
What 4-letter words?”
“Please don’t make me tell you, Mama,” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed. They’re just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!”
“Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!”
Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, Mama…, he used words like: cook, wash, iron & dust…”
“I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes,” said the mother.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Talking Dog
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting
there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting
there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
Friday, February 24, 2006
Ways the Bible Would be Different if Written by College Students
Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.
The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
Paul’s letter to the Romans becomes Paul’s e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
Paul’s letter to the Romans becomes Paul’s e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Everybody has problems
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack.
The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, "We've never had a Democrat in the family before."
The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, "We've never had a Democrat in the family before."
Bad Relationships
Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives.
One said, “Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds.”
“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend.
“Oh! Not yet.” the first replied, “I’d like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first.”
One said, “Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds.”
“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend.
“Oh! Not yet.” the first replied, “I’d like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first.”
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Opening Day of Hunting Season
A hunter and his friend were quail hunting near Highway 51 in Millington early one cold opening morning.
Suddenly, the dogs pointed a large covey of quail still in their roost.
Moving quickly toward the dogs, the hunter removed the safety from his shotgun.
As he was about to bust the covey, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down Hwy 51.
The hunter quickly turned on his safety, set the shotgun down, took off his hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was stunned. “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend.”
The hunter shrugged. “Yeah,…….. well……., we were married for 35 years.”
Suddenly, the dogs pointed a large covey of quail still in their roost.
Moving quickly toward the dogs, the hunter removed the safety from his shotgun.
As he was about to bust the covey, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down Hwy 51.
The hunter quickly turned on his safety, set the shotgun down, took off his hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was stunned. “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend.”
The hunter shrugged. “Yeah,…….. well……., we were married for 35 years.”
Monday, February 20, 2006
Texas Preacher
The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for country singer, Keith Urban…and one day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn’t been to service lately.
He went to the first lady’s house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, “KEITH URBAN!!!!”
“No ma’am,” he replied. “I’m your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you.” So, she invited him in.
He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Keith Urban.
Then he came to a young widow woman’s house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.
When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor.
“Oh my God!” she exclaimed. “It’s KEITH URBAN!”
And the preacher said………..“Hello, Darlin!”
He went to the first lady’s house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, “KEITH URBAN!!!!”
“No ma’am,” he replied. “I’m your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you.” So, she invited him in.
He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Keith Urban.
Then he came to a young widow woman’s house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.
When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor.
“Oh my God!” she exclaimed. “It’s KEITH URBAN!”
And the preacher said………..“Hello, Darlin!”
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Blonde Calls 9-1-1
A blond was cooking dinner, when her kitchen caught on fire. She was in a panic when she called 9-1-1…
“Come Quick!! My house is on fire!!”, said the blonde.
The dispatcher replied, “Calm down, Mam’, we’ll send someone as soon as possible. But, we have a small problem. Your address isn’t showing up in our system. How do we get there?”
The blonde answers, “Duh, big red truck.”
“Come Quick!! My house is on fire!!”, said the blonde.
The dispatcher replied, “Calm down, Mam’, we’ll send someone as soon as possible. But, we have a small problem. Your address isn’t showing up in our system. How do we get there?”
The blonde answers, “Duh, big red truck.”
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Differences in Friendships Between Men and Women
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The husband called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house.
The wife called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The husband called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house.
The wife called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Eye Test
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Going To College
Three hometown boys all got football scholarships to three different Tennessee colleges. Before heading off to college in the fall, each one went by the local men’s store to get some new clothes for college.
The first one was going to UT and asked the clerk if he had boxer shorts in UT orange. The clerk proudly said that he did. “How many would you like?”
“I want seven pair of orange boxer shorts.”
“Seven,” asked the clerk?
“Yes, one for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,…”
“Okay, I understand,” said the clerk.
A little while later, the student going to play football at Vanderbilt came in and asked if the store had black and gold boxers.
“Yes”, said the clerk. “How many pair would you like?”
“Seven. One for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday…”
“Oh, yes. I understand.”
A short time later, the student going to play football at U of M came in and asked if the store had blue and white boxer shorts.
The clerk proudly said that they had them in stock. “How many pair would you like?”
“I need 12 pair,” he proudly announced.
“Twelve pair! Why do you need twelve pair?
Looking at the clerk as though anyone would know that answer, he proclaimed, “January, February, March, April, …”
The first one was going to UT and asked the clerk if he had boxer shorts in UT orange. The clerk proudly said that he did. “How many would you like?”
“I want seven pair of orange boxer shorts.”
“Seven,” asked the clerk?
“Yes, one for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,…”
“Okay, I understand,” said the clerk.
A little while later, the student going to play football at Vanderbilt came in and asked if the store had black and gold boxers.
“Yes”, said the clerk. “How many pair would you like?”
“Seven. One for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday…”
“Oh, yes. I understand.”
A short time later, the student going to play football at U of M came in and asked if the store had blue and white boxer shorts.
The clerk proudly said that they had them in stock. “How many pair would you like?”
“I need 12 pair,” he proudly announced.
“Twelve pair! Why do you need twelve pair?
Looking at the clerk as though anyone would know that answer, he proclaimed, “January, February, March, April, …”
Monday, February 13, 2006
Redneck Vacation
Billy Bob and Luther are talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready fer a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took yer advice ’bout where to go.
“Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii…I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.”
“Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.”
“Last year you said go to Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”
Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”
Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earlene with me.”
“Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii…I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.”
“Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.”
“Last year you said go to Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”
Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”
Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earlene with me.”
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Four Football Fans
Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon, an Alabama fan, a Kentucky fan, a Tennessee fan, and a Florida fan. They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who among them was the most “die-hard” fan.
Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the Kentucky fan proclaimed to the other four…”This is for the Wildcats!” and promptly threw himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice.
Not to be outdone by a Kentucky fan, the Alabama fan jumped up and said…”This is for the Crimson Tide!” and then threw himself off the mountain, again as a form of sacrifice.
Refusing to be outdone by the Kentucky and Alabama fans, the Tennessee fan rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs:
“This is for the Volunteers!”
And without any hesitation, pushed the Gator fan off the mountain.
Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the Kentucky fan proclaimed to the other four…”This is for the Wildcats!” and promptly threw himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice.
Not to be outdone by a Kentucky fan, the Alabama fan jumped up and said…”This is for the Crimson Tide!” and then threw himself off the mountain, again as a form of sacrifice.
Refusing to be outdone by the Kentucky and Alabama fans, the Tennessee fan rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs:
“This is for the Volunteers!”
And without any hesitation, pushed the Gator fan off the mountain.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Baked Politician
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu…
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why is the Baked politician so much more expensive than the other people?”
The cook replied: “Because!!! Have you ever tried to clean one ?”
Feeling hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu…
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why is the Baked politician so much more expensive than the other people?”
The cook replied: “Because!!! Have you ever tried to clean one ?”
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Life in a Coma
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room watching a TV show about a man in a coma, whose wife refuses to “pull the plug”.
The husband turns to his wife and says to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
“OK,” says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.
The husband turns to his wife and says to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
“OK,” says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Hillary Almost Drowned
Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, three kids who were fishing, pulled her out of the water.
She was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, “I sure would like to go to Disneyland.”
Hillary said, “No problem. I’ll take you there on an Air Force jet.”
The second kid said, “I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordans.”
Hillary said, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”
The third kid said, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!”
Hillary is a little perplexed by this and said, “But son you don’t look like you’re handicapped.”
The kid says, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved your butt from drowning!”
Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, three kids who were fishing, pulled her out of the water.
She was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, “I sure would like to go to Disneyland.”
Hillary said, “No problem. I’ll take you there on an Air Force jet.”
The second kid said, “I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordans.”
Hillary said, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”
The third kid said, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!”
Hillary is a little perplexed by this and said, “But son you don’t look like you’re handicapped.”
The kid says, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved your butt from drowning!”
Saturday, February 04, 2006
The Rabbit and the Snake
A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing into trees.
At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same forest…when it crashed head-on into the rabbit.
“Please excuse me, sir, I’m blind and I bumped into you accidentally,” apologized the rabbit.
“That’s quite all right,” replied the snake, “I have the same problem!”
“All my life I’ve been wondering what I am,” said the rabbit, “Do you think you could help me find out?”
“I’ll try,” said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the rabbit.
“Well, you’re covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail and long ears. You’re… hmmm… you’re probably a bunny rabbit!”
“Great!” said the rabbit. “Thanks, I really owe you one!”
“Well,” replied the snake, “I don’t know what I am, either. Do you suppose you could try and tell me?”
The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. “Well, you’re low, cold and slimy…you must be running for Senate!”
At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same forest…when it crashed head-on into the rabbit.
“Please excuse me, sir, I’m blind and I bumped into you accidentally,” apologized the rabbit.
“That’s quite all right,” replied the snake, “I have the same problem!”
“All my life I’ve been wondering what I am,” said the rabbit, “Do you think you could help me find out?”
“I’ll try,” said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the rabbit.
“Well, you’re covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail and long ears. You’re… hmmm… you’re probably a bunny rabbit!”
“Great!” said the rabbit. “Thanks, I really owe you one!”
“Well,” replied the snake, “I don’t know what I am, either. Do you suppose you could try and tell me?”
The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. “Well, you’re low, cold and slimy…you must be running for Senate!”
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Married for a Night
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly…he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.
“Good,” she replied. “Get your own darn blanket!”
After a moment of silence, he passed gas…
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly…he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.
“Good,” she replied. “Get your own darn blanket!”
After a moment of silence, he passed gas…
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
The Blonde's Blinker
This guy was driving in a car with a blonde.
He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.
She stuck her head out and said, “Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes…”
He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.
She stuck her head out and said, “Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes…”
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