Plague of Pigeons

The CEO of Bass Pro Shops was very worried about the plague of pigeons in Memphis. He didn’t want to come to town and build a big, new store when the pigeons were destroying downtown.

One day a man to the CEO’s office and offered the CEO a proposition. “I can rid this beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to YOU!! But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. If you feel you MUST ask me a question…you must first pay me five million dollars just to ask it.

The CEO considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of the Pyramid, opened his coat, and released a red pigeon.

The red pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Memphis sky. All the pigeons in the entire city saw the red pigeon and gathered up behind it.

Eventually all the Memphis pigeons followed the red pigeon as she flew westward out of the state.

The next day the red pigeon returned completely alone to the man who had released it.

The CEO was very impressed. He thought the man and the red pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Memphis of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the CEO presented him with a check for $5 million dollars and told the man that he decided to pay the 5 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the CEO to ask his question.

The CEO asked: “Do you have any red Politicians?”

You Think English is Easy???

Can you read these right the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"

A Spooky Halloween

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he sees the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER…FASTER…BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping…..he hears the sound….clappity-BUMP…clappity-BUMP…clappity-BUMP…

The terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…and….The coffin stops!!

The Doctor Visit

An older gentleman had a new primary doctor and after two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said he was doing “fairly well for his age.”

The old man asked, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

“Well,” said the doctor, “do you smoke, or drink?”

“Oh no,” replied the old man.

“Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

“No, red meat is very unhealthy so I stay away from it,” replied the old man.

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”

“No, I don’t,” said the old man.

The doctor then asked, “Do you gamble, or drive fast cars?”

“No,” the old man said. “I don’t do any of those things.”

The doctor sighed and said, “Then why do you really care if you live to 80?”

Rednecks on Unemployment

Billy Bob and Rufus worked together in a Kentucky clothing factory. Both were laid off so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Billy Bob said “Pant stitcher….. I sew elastic into ladies pants”

The clerk looked up and said, “Pant stitcher, huh? Well…that’s unskilled labor, so you’ll be given $300 a week in unemployment pay.”

Next, she asked Rufus what his occupation was….and he said, “Diesel Fitter”, which was listed as a skilled job….so she put him down for $600 a week….

When Billy Bob found out he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his co-worker got twice the money he got!!!

The clerk explained, “Pant stitchers are unskilled, and diesel fitters are skilled labor”

“What skill?” yelled Billy Bob. “I sew the elastic on the pants and Rufus stretches them out and says….Dees’ll fit her.”

Unhealthy Living

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

“The material we put into our stomachs is far too bad for us! Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, there are germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all!! Yet, we still eat it!! Can anyone here tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of silence, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”

Liver and Cheese,

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says “How well can you do?”

“Um…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says…”Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

Push Me

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a he finds a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3 o’clock in the morning!”

He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it is 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!”

The wife sighs and says “Don’t you remember when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man decides his wife is right. He gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing!” replies the drunk.

Nurses in Heaven

Three nurses died and went to heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

St. Peter asked the first nurse, “What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?”

“I was a nurse in an inner city hospital,” she replied. “I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children.”

“Very noble,” said St. Peter. “You may enter.” And in through the gates she went.

To the next, he asked the same question, “So what did you do on Earth?”

“I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa,” she replied.

“How touching,” said St. Peter. “You too may enter.” And in she went.

He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, “So, what did you do back on Earth?”

After some hesitation, she explained, “I was just a nurse at an H.M.O.”

St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, “Okay, you may enter also.”

“Whew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.”

“Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but you can only stay for three days… but we can’t cover the cost of your halo and harp.”

Crossing the River

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, “God, please give me the strength to cross the river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, “God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.” Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, “God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river.”

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream and walked across the bridge.

The Cab Driver Goes to Heaven

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book.

Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest.

He announces himself to St. Peter.

Upon scanning the preacher’s entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, “Okay, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”

The preacher is astonished and replies, “But I am a man of the cloth.
You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie.”

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: “This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed.”

Job Opening

A guy who is famous for ALWAYS being on unemployment walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, “Hi… You know, I just HATE drawing unemployment. I’d really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year.”

The guy, wide-eyed, says, “You are LYING to me!”

The social worker says, “Yeah, well… you started it.”

Wal-Mart Clerk

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It’s a good all around combination; and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!” As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

“Oh, that sounds like a Visa card,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who let it rip….Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

A Woman's Poem

He didn’t like the casserole
And he didn’t like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard…
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn’t perk the coffee right
He didn’t like the stew,
I didn’t mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him…

Like his MOMMA used to do.

Understanding Men

A husband and a wife were quietly eating breakfast one Sunday morning. As the woman buttered her toast, the husband read the paper…

“Honey,” said the husband, “There’s an article here about a new scientific study that shows women really do talk more than men!! In an average day, a woman uses 30-thousand words….while men only use about 15-thousand words a day!”

The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…!!”

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

Divorcing Football Fans

A man and a woman with one child were getting a divorce.

They were in court to decide who would have custody of the child.

The judge asked the child “Would you like to live with your father?”

To which the child replied “No, my father beats me.”

The judge said, “Then I suppose you want to live with your mother?”

The child replied “No, she beats me, too.”

The judge then said “Well, who would you like to live with?”

The little boy said, “I want to live with the Memphis Tigers football team.”

The judge asked in surprise “Why would you want to do that?”

To which the child replied “Because they don’t beat anybody!”

Anthrax Scare at the Liberty Bowl

In what was at first believed to be a hoax perpetrated by disgruntled
fans, The Liberty Bowl was evacuated today for nearly two hours when one of the U of M players, on their way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious-looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

The head coach immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate.

After complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to players was the goal line.

Practice was resumed when FBI Special Agents decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

Memphis vs. Tennessee Football fans

A first grade teacher in Knoxville, Tennessee, explained to her class that she was a Tennessee fan. She asked her students to raise their hands if they, too, were Tennessee fans.

Everyone in the class raised their hand except for one little girl.

The teacher looked at the little girl with surprise and said, “Janie, why didn’t you raise your hand?”

“Because I am not an Tennessee fan,” she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, “Well, if you are not a Tennessee fan, what kind of a fan are you?”

“I’m a Memphis fan,” Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. “Janie, WHY are you a Memphis fan?”

“Because my mom is a Memphis fan, my dad is a Memphis fan, so I am a Memphis fan also.”

“Well,” said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, “that is no reason for you to be a Memphis fan. You don’t have to be just like your parents all the time. What if your mom was a snotty, arrogant jerk and your dad was a snotty, arrogant jerk, what would you be then?”

“Then,” Janie smiled, “We’d be Tennessee fans.”

Why Women Are Evil

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub…

She gestured to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no,” he replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running
Her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes. I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running
Her forefinger across the bartender’s lips…

“What should I tell him?” the bartender managed to say.

“Tell him,” she whispered,”There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”