A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So, he says, "Mrs.Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says "$30,000."
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall.
Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."
Monday, June 27, 2005
Cowboy Boots
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you."
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankye ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
She said, "Don't be flattered...take the money and Buy yourself Some boots that fit."
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you."
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankye ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
She said, "Don't be flattered...take the money and Buy yourself Some boots that fit."
Sunday, June 26, 2005
The Doctor's Exam
A young lady went in to her doctor for a physical exam. Bowing to his sense of modesty, he left the room while she undressed. He came back in, and she was standing there with nothing on. On her belly was a huge 'W.' It wasn't a tattoo, just a deep impression.
"How on earth did you get a monogram like that, young lady,?" the doctor asked.
"Well," she said, "it's from my boy friend's belt buckle. That's the initial of his first name."
"Oh," said the doc, "what's his name, honey, Wayne?"
"Nope," she replied, "it's Maynard."
"How on earth did you get a monogram like that, young lady,?" the doctor asked.
"Well," she said, "it's from my boy friend's belt buckle. That's the initial of his first name."
"Oh," said the doc, "what's his name, honey, Wayne?"
"Nope," she replied, "it's Maynard."
Arkansas Search Party
A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research.
He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."
He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Thoughts for the Day - 25 June 2005
Things I’ve learned from my young boys:
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant, especially if he is yelling the words “don’t hit me”
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A 6-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
Certain Lego’s will pass right through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy…others…not so much.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant, especially if he is yelling the words “don’t hit me”
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A 6-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
Certain Lego’s will pass right through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy…others…not so much.
Pilot Brothers
The chief of staff of the US Air Force directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited to join the service.
As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”
The young man looks at him and says, “I pilot!” The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!”
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asks, “What skills to you bring to the Air Force?”
The young man says, “I chop wood!” “Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force…this is the 20th century!”
“Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!”
“Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!”
The young man rolls his eyes and says, “Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!”
As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”
The young man looks at him and says, “I pilot!” The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!”
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asks, “What skills to you bring to the Air Force?”
The young man says, “I chop wood!” “Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force…this is the 20th century!”
“Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!”
“Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!”
The young man rolls his eyes and says, “Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!”
The Old Man's Death
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever they had a fight, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, she went straight to the local restaurant and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife put down her drink and said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down!”
The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, she went straight to the local restaurant and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife put down her drink and said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down!”
Friday, June 24, 2005
Six Things That Liars Do
Here are the 6 key things liars do:
1. They repeat the question before answering: They are buying themselves some extra time to make up an answer.
2. They pause several times: If they drag out an answer with umsand ahs, it means they’re trying to formulate a plausible lie.
3. They expand words: When you’re lying, you draw words out (did not) instead of using contractions (didn’t).
4. They say the word honestly: When someone says the word honestly, nine times out of ten, the next thing they say will be untrue.
5. They scratch their nose: Guilt increases blood flow to the face, specifically the nose, which causes itchiness.
6. They touch their mouth: People do this in an unconscious effort to prevent the lie from coming out.
1. They repeat the question before answering: They are buying themselves some extra time to make up an answer.
2. They pause several times: If they drag out an answer with umsand ahs, it means they’re trying to formulate a plausible lie.
3. They expand words: When you’re lying, you draw words out (did not) instead of using contractions (didn’t).
4. They say the word honestly: When someone says the word honestly, nine times out of ten, the next thing they say will be untrue.
5. They scratch their nose: Guilt increases blood flow to the face, specifically the nose, which causes itchiness.
6. They touch their mouth: People do this in an unconscious effort to prevent the lie from coming out.
Thoughts for the Day - 24 June 2005
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?
Does soap get dirty?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares…why is there a stupid song about him?
Can you cry underwater?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make radio out of a coconut…why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables…what is baby oil made of?
Do the “Alphabet song” and “Twinkle Twinkle Little star” have the same the same tune?
Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?
Does soap get dirty?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares…why is there a stupid song about him?
Can you cry underwater?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make radio out of a coconut…why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables…what is baby oil made of?
Do the “Alphabet song” and “Twinkle Twinkle Little star” have the same the same tune?
Thursday, June 23, 2005
The Wife and Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ‘’Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.'’
“And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct,” asked the rejected applicant.
“We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” said the department manager.
“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” the rejected applicant inquired."
"Simple,'’ said the department manager, ‘’Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.”’
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ‘’Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.'’
“And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct,” asked the rejected applicant.
“We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” said the department manager.
“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” the rejected applicant inquired."
"Simple,'’ said the department manager, ‘’Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.”’
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
The Vacuum Salesman
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said, “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
“Good morning” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said, “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
The Math Teacher
One day this math teacher was in class and was rather perplexed with her students. She asked if there were any idiots in the class if they’d please stand up.
After a few minutes of silence this one boy stood up.
The teacher looked surprised and asked if he thought of himself as an idiot.
To this the boy politely replied “no but I hated to see you standing up all by yourself!”
After a few minutes of silence this one boy stood up.
The teacher looked surprised and asked if he thought of himself as an idiot.
To this the boy politely replied “no but I hated to see you standing up all by yourself!”
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
The Pregnant Blonde
A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.
When she said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!”
He said, “Great, tell me what you’re so happy about!”
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, and told him that she was pregnant!
He kissed her and told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!”
Then, she said, “Oh, honey, there’s more!”
He asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?”
She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!”
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive.”
When she said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!”
He said, “Great, tell me what you’re so happy about!”
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, and told him that she was pregnant!
He kissed her and told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!”
Then, she said, “Oh, honey, there’s more!”
He asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?”
She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!”
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive.”
A Blonde's Brain At Work
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
“Hey, girls,” says the brunette, “let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.” So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does.
The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband kissing the female boss!
She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns again at her normal time.
The next day the brunette says, “That was fun. We should do it again sometime.”
“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught.”
“Hey, girls,” says the brunette, “let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.” So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does.
The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband kissing the female boss!
She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns again at her normal time.
The next day the brunette says, “That was fun. We should do it again sometime.”
“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught.”
Monday, June 20, 2005
The Cowboy
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, it would taste better if you bought your beer just one at a time.”
The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I’m in Texas. When we all left Wyoming, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains…“It’s just that my wife and I joined a Church that doesn’t allow alcohol so, obviously I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, it would taste better if you bought your beer just one at a time.”
The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I’m in Texas. When we all left Wyoming, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains…“It’s just that my wife and I joined a Church that doesn’t allow alcohol so, obviously I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
Cowboy Warning
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Things You'll Never Hear Your Father Saying
Don’t bother me now. “Dancing with the Stars” is on.
Could you turn that music up a little louder!
Forget the Super Bowl this year…Your mother’s watching a movie on Lifetime.
Hooters Schmooters…for your 21st birthday, we’re goin’ to Danvers!
You kids sure have it a lot harder today than I did when I was a kid.
Of course I’ve never been in there. That’s a BOWLING ALLEY!
Another beer? But I’ve already had three!!!
No kids, sorry, we aren’t there yet. But, please be sure to ask again every two minutes until we do get there.
Hey son, that’s one fine set of nose rings you got there.
Kids, I want you to start calling me “Puffy”.
No. I don’t want you to pull my finger!
Could you turn that music up a little louder!
Forget the Super Bowl this year…Your mother’s watching a movie on Lifetime.
Hooters Schmooters…for your 21st birthday, we’re goin’ to Danvers!
You kids sure have it a lot harder today than I did when I was a kid.
Of course I’ve never been in there. That’s a BOWLING ALLEY!
Another beer? But I’ve already had three!!!
No kids, sorry, we aren’t there yet. But, please be sure to ask again every two minutes until we do get there.
Hey son, that’s one fine set of nose rings you got there.
Kids, I want you to start calling me “Puffy”.
No. I don’t want you to pull my finger!
Blonde Stuck in a Hotel
An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!”
“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked. “Why not?”
She replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!”
“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked. “Why not?”
She replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Bill, George and the Train
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, a spectacular looking blonde, and a frightfully awful looking fat lady were in a train carriage.
After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought, ‘that rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.’
The fat lady thought, ‘that dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.’
Bill Clinton thought, ‘George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.’
George Bush thought, ‘I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.’
After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought, ‘that rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.’
The fat lady thought, ‘that dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.’
Bill Clinton thought, ‘George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.’
George Bush thought, ‘I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.’
The Crow and The Rabbit
Here’s an example of how business and nature are very much alike.
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I sit with you and do nothing all day long?”The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is: In order to be safe sitting around doing nothing all day….you must be sitting very, very high up.
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I sit with you and do nothing all day long?”The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is: In order to be safe sitting around doing nothing all day….you must be sitting very, very high up.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Blonde Follows Directions
So, there is this blonde that is REALLY sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was following the directions on the paint can and it said…for best results, put on two coats.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was following the directions on the paint can and it said…for best results, put on two coats.
The Mouthy Parrot
A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.
Once in the air, the stewardess comes around and the man asks her for a cup of coffee, then…the parrot squawks, “BRING ME A WHISKEY, WOMAN!”
The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings a whiskey to the parrot, but forgets the coffee.
When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, “GET ME ANOTHER WHISKEY WOMAN!”
Quite upset, the stewardess returns shortly with a whiskey for the parrot, but still no coffee for the man.
Unaccustomed to such poor service, the man decides to try the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee…NOW GET ME A COFFEE WOMAN!”
In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards arrive, grab both the man and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit, and toss them both out of the airplane.
As they’re falling toward the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, “You know, for someone who can’t fly, you’re kind of a mouthy jerk.”
Once in the air, the stewardess comes around and the man asks her for a cup of coffee, then…the parrot squawks, “BRING ME A WHISKEY, WOMAN!”
The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings a whiskey to the parrot, but forgets the coffee.
When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, “GET ME ANOTHER WHISKEY WOMAN!”
Quite upset, the stewardess returns shortly with a whiskey for the parrot, but still no coffee for the man.
Unaccustomed to such poor service, the man decides to try the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee…NOW GET ME A COFFEE WOMAN!”
In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards arrive, grab both the man and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit, and toss them both out of the airplane.
As they’re falling toward the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, “You know, for someone who can’t fly, you’re kind of a mouthy jerk.”
Thursday, June 16, 2005
I'm Too Smart For The First Grade
First-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"
Harry answered,"I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had now had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What do you have in your pants that I do not have in mine?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question?
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut"
Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Shake hands"
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."
The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"
Harry answered,"I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had now had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What do you have in your pants that I do not have in mine?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question?
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut"
Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Shake hands"
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."
Cowboy In A Gay Bar
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' "
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!' "
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because " 'Quality is Job One" "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!' "And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer. "The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!!!"
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' "
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!' "
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because " 'Quality is Job One" "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!' "And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer. "The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!!!"
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
God's Testing Of Job
One of the mysteries of the Bible is God's testing of Job. He took everything away from the poor guy but his wife.
For years, scholars have debated why.
Seems to me it's rather simple actually.
After God finished the testing of Job, He returned twice what He had taken away. If He had taken Job's wife, that means God would've had to give him back two wives. Not even God would have inflicted such a severe penalty on Job after all he'd been through.
For years, scholars have debated why.
Seems to me it's rather simple actually.
After God finished the testing of Job, He returned twice what He had taken away. If He had taken Job's wife, that means God would've had to give him back two wives. Not even God would have inflicted such a severe penalty on Job after all he'd been through.
Fire Bell
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife: "Y'know sump tin, honey, we have a wonderful new system at de firestation... Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go. From now on, when I says, 'Bell one,' I want you to strip naked. When I says 'Bell two,' you jump on de bed. When I says 'Bell tree,' we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night, he came home and shouted, 'Bell One' and she strippednaked. 'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed. 'Bell Tree' and they started to make love.
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four!"
"What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?" asked the astonished Jamaican.
She replied: ..........."Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere nearde fire."
The next night, he came home and shouted, 'Bell One' and she strippednaked. 'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed. 'Bell Tree' and they started to make love.
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four!"
"What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?" asked the astonished Jamaican.
She replied: ..........."Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere nearde fire."
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Hillbilly Wit
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner."
2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly: "why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly: "that ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "well, what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker."
1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner."
2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly: "why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly: "that ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "well, what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker."
The Bible Salesman
A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars staked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand."You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied," I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.
"What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?
Louie just nodded.
That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison.
"We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as manybibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-sid wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-readit t-to y-y-you?"
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars staked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand."You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied," I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.
"What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?
Louie just nodded.
That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison.
"We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as manybibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-sid wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-readit t-to y-y-you?"
Monday, June 13, 2005
Get Out Of The Car Please
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for! ?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a completestop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstickand starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says . . ."DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for! ?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a completestop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstickand starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says . . ."DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
Got To Go
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students "Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
"Just a minute, I have to take a leak."
"That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
The teacher fainted!
"Just a minute, I have to take a leak."
"That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
The teacher fainted!
Sunday, June 12, 2005
The Hammer
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
Questions That Stretch Your Mind
Try to answer the following questions:
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching.
ANSWERS:
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
3. Charcoal.
4. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
5. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching.
ANSWERS:
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
3. Charcoal.
4. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
5. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
The Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and his sidekick Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says," Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo. Someone has stolen tent."
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says," Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo. Someone has stolen tent."
Command Memo By Mid East Command Center Re: Cultural Sensitivity
To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEastFor Inst 16134//24 K
1. All commanders promulgate upon receipt
2. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:
"Eat Pork Or Die" [both English and Arabic versions]
"Shrine Busters" [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
"Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy" [Both English and Arabic versions]
"Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more." [Both English and Arabic versions]
"The road to Paradise begins with me." [Mostly Arabic versions but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs]
"Guns don't kill people. I kill people." [Both Arabic and English versions]
"Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]
"Infidel" [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]
3. The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.
4. The following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:
"Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range At 0800 Daily."
"Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?"
5. All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEastFor Inst 16134//24 K
1. All commanders promulgate upon receipt
2. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:
"Eat Pork Or Die" [both English and Arabic versions]
"Shrine Busters" [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
"Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy" [Both English and Arabic versions]
"Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more." [Both English and Arabic versions]
"The road to Paradise begins with me." [Mostly Arabic versions but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs]
"Guns don't kill people. I kill people." [Both Arabic and English versions]
"Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]
"Infidel" [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]
3. The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.
4. The following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:
"Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range At 0800 Daily."
"Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?"
5. All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.
Friday, June 10, 2005
Circle Flies
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around hishead.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said - "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says - "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, " Hey---wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around hishead.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said - "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says - "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, " Hey---wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Euro English
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Shopping With My Grandson
I was shopping in a department store with my 4-year-old grandson. I promised him that we would go to the toy department, but I stopped in the ladies clothing department first.
It seems that he couldn't wait that long: one second he was holding onto my pant skirt and the next, he had vanished. I panicked and looked everywhere, but I couldn't find him.
I went to the customer service desk to have them announce his name over the P.A. system, and to my relief he was already there waiting for me. The woman at the desk told me that my grandson had asked them to call me over the P.A., but he didn't know my name. So they asked him what his dad, and my son, called me. He answered "Mom."
Then they asked what his grandpa, my husband, called me. "Sugar," he replied. So then they asked what his mommy (my daughter-in-law) called me.
Very clearly, he said, "A Bitch."
On the way home, we practiced my "real" name until I was confident that he would use it the next time!
It seems that he couldn't wait that long: one second he was holding onto my pant skirt and the next, he had vanished. I panicked and looked everywhere, but I couldn't find him.
I went to the customer service desk to have them announce his name over the P.A. system, and to my relief he was already there waiting for me. The woman at the desk told me that my grandson had asked them to call me over the P.A., but he didn't know my name. So they asked him what his dad, and my son, called me. He answered "Mom."
Then they asked what his grandpa, my husband, called me. "Sugar," he replied. So then they asked what his mommy (my daughter-in-law) called me.
Very clearly, he said, "A Bitch."
On the way home, we practiced my "real" name until I was confident that he would use it the next time!
The Sisters Of St. Francis
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a ! small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.
This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway". He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER !
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a ! small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.
This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway". He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER !
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
The Trooper
Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "What was that for?"
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him with the nightstick, too.
The passenger says, "What did you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The trooper says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that with me.'"
The driver says, "What was that for?"
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him with the nightstick, too.
The passenger says, "What did you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The trooper says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that with me.'"
Pedro
Pedro was trying to get into the U.S. legally through Immigration.
The Officer said "Pedro, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the U.S."
Pedro said, " I am ready."
The officer said "Make a sentence using Yellow, Pink and Green."
Pedro thought for a few minutes and said "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said "Go ahead."
Pedro said "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, "Yellow, this is Pedro."
Needless to say, Pedro now lives in a neighborhood near you.
The Officer said "Pedro, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the U.S."
Pedro said, " I am ready."
The officer said "Make a sentence using Yellow, Pink and Green."
Pedro thought for a few minutes and said "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said "Go ahead."
Pedro said "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, "Yellow, this is Pedro."
Needless to say, Pedro now lives in a neighborhood near you.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
That's Baseball
Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's season opener sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no."
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was an unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."
Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly baby..."
With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you!*%$%**!!!.."
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"
Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first Pitch."
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no."
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was an unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."
Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly baby..."
With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you!*%$%**!!!.."
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"
Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first Pitch."
God Was Missing For Six Days
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."
He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."
Monday, June 06, 2005
Beautiful Arizona
May 1st: Just moved to Arizona! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th:The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th: Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th: I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.
July 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th: Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?
Aug. 4th: It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
Aug. 8th: If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Arizona. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.
June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th:The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th: Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th: I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.
July 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th: Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?
Aug. 4th: It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
Aug. 8th: If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Arizona. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.
A Whale Of A Story
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan, when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turnover and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the saf ety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turnover and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the saf ety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Nookie Green
A young man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a beautiful, tall, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a beautiful, tall, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
Old School
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"
Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever havingseen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! "Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"
Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever havingseen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! "Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Thought for the day - 4 June 2005
He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms..........
And then he stuffed the turkey.
What did you think this was about!!!!
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms..........
And then he stuffed the turkey.
What did you think this was about!!!!
Motor Running
It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl.
After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!"
He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."
After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!"
He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."
Friday, June 03, 2005
Missing Bill Clinton
Just watched a show on TV and there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1- He played the sax. Number 2- He smoked weed. Number 3-He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be in production in Canada this year.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."
American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom
Clinton was doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly and Moe.
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1- He played the sax. Number 2- He smoked weed. Number 3-He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be in production in Canada this year.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."
American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom
Clinton was doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly and Moe.
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes.
Lena's Breakdown
Lena's car breaks down on the Highway 8 just outside of Lindstrom one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
Out of the trunk jump two men; Lars and Sven in trench coats who stand at the rear of the vehicle where they are facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, this causes one of the worst pileups in history of the highway. It's not very long before a police car shows up.
The cop, clearly enraged,runs toward Lena's vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"
"Yah, vell, my car broke down," says Lena, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" asks the cop.
And she said " Yah, vell, officer, dose er my emergency fleshers!"
Out of the trunk jump two men; Lars and Sven in trench coats who stand at the rear of the vehicle where they are facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, this causes one of the worst pileups in history of the highway. It's not very long before a police car shows up.
The cop, clearly enraged,runs toward Lena's vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"
"Yah, vell, my car broke down," says Lena, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" asks the cop.
And she said " Yah, vell, officer, dose er my emergency fleshers!"
Thursday, June 02, 2005
The Taliban Tie
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a>little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovelyrestaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"
The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappears. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table.
The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"
"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother Won't let me in without a tie."
The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovelyrestaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"
The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappears. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table.
The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"
"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother Won't let me in without a tie."
Old Is When
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2 You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEKEND:
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
But Most Of All, Remember -- A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2 You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEKEND:
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
But Most Of All, Remember -- A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Little Johnny's First Dance
Little Johnny went to his first school dance. He didn't know if he would ever get up the nerve to ask a girl out to dance. As the night went on everybody was dancing except Little Johnny. He just sat in the corner looking at everyone having fun.
Finally as the last song started to play Little Johnny spotted two very cute girls across the room sitting at their table. He walked over and asked one if she would like to dance.
She looked him up and down and said "I am sorry but I am very particular with whom I dance with.
"Little Johnny shot back, "You can damn well see that I am not."
Finally as the last song started to play Little Johnny spotted two very cute girls across the room sitting at their table. He walked over and asked one if she would like to dance.
She looked him up and down and said "I am sorry but I am very particular with whom I dance with.
"Little Johnny shot back, "You can damn well see that I am not."
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