The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs and one night he was doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he was going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ‘’I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!'’

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ‘’You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!'’

Simply Stated

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him." I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plateholder, the "What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."

"Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Blonde Mail

A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily she went back in the house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

She replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!”

Hymn #365

A minister was completing a sermon and with great emphasis he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.

And then finally shaking his fist in the air, he said, “and if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour in into the river.”

Now that his sermon was complete, he sat down. The choir leader stood very cautiously and announced…trying to hold back her laughter… “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River'.”

The Missing Husband

Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.

The wife said, “He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”

The next-door neighbor protested, “Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”

The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”

Mommy Mommy

A girl came skipping home from school one day “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10!

“Very good,” said her Mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde?”

“Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” said the Mother.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G.

"Very Good,” said her Mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes it’s because you’re blonde!”

The following day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were measuring each other in school today….and all the other girls were under 4-feet tall…but, I was 6 foot 2!! Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”

“No Honey, it’s because you’re 24.”

Jumpy Cabby

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”

The Marine and the Atheist Professor

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God.

He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from the platform.

The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent me."

Buying a Parrot

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.00.”

“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the man. The shop owner says, “Well, the parrot knows how to use a computer.”

The man then asks about the next parrot and is told that this one costs $1,000.00 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows physics and math.

The man asks about the third parrot and is told that it costs $2,000.00.

In turn, he asks, “What can it do for this price?”

The shop owner replies, “To be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him Boss!!”

A Wife's Pondering

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

“You know, dear,” she says, “I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is gray, my shoulders are hunched over, I’ve got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby.”

She turns to her husband and says, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, “Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at the local church

The Offering Plate

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.

He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him… and him… and him.”

The Old Man and the Beautiful Lady

An older white haired man walked in to a jewelry store late one Saturday afternoon with a beautiful young lady at his side. “I’m looking for a special ring for my girlfriend” he said.

The jeweler looked through his stock, and took out a lovely ring priced at $5,000.

“I don’t think you understand…I want something very unique” he said.

At that, the jeweler went to get his special stock from the safe. “Here’s a stunning ring at just $40,000.”

The girls’ eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. “How are you paying?” asked the jeweler. “I’ll pay by check, but of course you will want to make sure everything is in order at the bank, so I’ll write the check and you can phone the bank on Monday and I’ll pick up the ring on Monday evening.”

Monday morning a very mad jeweler phoned the man. “You old coot! You lied … there’s no money in that account.”

“I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I just had?”

Lying About Your Age

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy single man, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”

Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”

They’re knocked over, but continue to ask. “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?”

“I lied about my age”, Bob replies. “What, did you tell her you were only 50?” Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”

Hard of Hearing

An older gentleman feared his wife was loosing her hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and said that meanwhile there’s a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

Here’s what you do, said the doctor, start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room. He thinks to himself that he is about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.

In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what’s for supper?"

No response.

So the husband moved 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what’s for supper?"

Still no response.

Next he moves about 20 feet, and 10 feet from his wife and asks… "Honey, what’s for supper?"

Again he gets no response.

Finally, he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what’s for supper?"

“DANG IT! For the fifth time, CHICKEN"

The Blonde and the Lawyer

A lawyer and a blonde happen to be sitting next to each other on a long cross-country flight. The lawyer thinks that the woman MUST be dumb…since she is a blonde. So, he leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game (thinking it’d be an easy way to make some money).

The game goes like this: I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.”

Well, the blonde just happens to be highly intelligent, but…she is dead-tired. However, the offer of money catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that she’ll never get to take a nap unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?

The blonde doesn’t say aword, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer: What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes back down with four?

The lawyer looks at her witha puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his resources. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his colleagues and friends, trying to get some help. All to no avail.

After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He wakes the blonde again and asks: Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes back down with four?

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

The Man and the Ostrich

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich behind him. The bartender asks for his order, and the man says, “I’ll have a beer,” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have a beer, too,” says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says, “That will be $3.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and both order a beer. Once again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again and the bartender asks, “The usual?”

“Well, it’s close to last call, so I’ll have a large scotch,” says the man. “Same for me,” says the ostrich. “That will be $7.20,” says the bartender. Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic, and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the bartender. The bartender asks, “One other thing, sir; what’s with the ostrich?”

The man replies, “My second wish was foar a chick with long legs.”

I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks to buy the TV in the corner, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time….she returns and tells a different clerk that she would like to buy the TV in the corner. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?”

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, “That’s not a TV — it’s a microwave!”

The Birds and Bees Speech

A father asked his 11-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.' When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy speech.' If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

The Mammogram

A fiftyish woman was at home, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watched her for a while and then asked "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said "I don't care I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

The FHA Loan

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

(Actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
(actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title ended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land priorto U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God,it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA.

I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

The loan was approved.

How many members of an internet forum does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

9 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have seen changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

1 to move it to the "Lighting" section.

2 to argue then move it to the "Electricals" section.

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

5 to flame the spell checkers.

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... and six more to condemn those 6 as "stupid".

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

5 know-it-alls to claim they were in the industry, and "light bulb" is correct.

9 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take the discussion to a lightbulb forum.

1 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

6 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the wrong URL's were posted and then post the right ones.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

2 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to ask "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

2 to say "do a Google search before posting questions about "light bulbs".

And finally,

1 "lurker" to respond to the original posting – 6 months later - and start it all over again...

Ten men, a woman and a helicopter

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to jump off, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

Well, nobody would volunteer to jump….that is….until the only woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands…….

The Lawyer's Accident

One day a wealthy lawyer was getting out of his brand new Jaguar when an 18 - wheeler truck came barreling downhill and slammed into the driver side door tearing it completely off the frame. The stunned lawyer watched as the truck driver kept going and soon zoomed out of view. He then got on his cell phone and called the police.

The policeman arrived and the lawyer immediately began cursing and screaming. “Do you know what this car costs? This jerk blindsides me out of nowhere and doesn’t even slow down! This is a brand new top of the line vehicle and I’ve only had it one day!”

The cop returned, “I can’t believe how materialistic you high-priced lawyer types are. I bet you don’t even realize that your arm is missing too. You must have been holding on to the door when the truck hit you.”

The shocked lawyer looks down and sure enough his left arm has been ripped completely out of the socket and is nowhere to be found.

“Oh my God!” says the lawyer. “My Rolex!”

The Real Story Behind How Yodeling Began

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? California? Oregon? Switzerland?Most believe it originated in Switzerland, and here's the real version.

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer.

"He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!

"The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth and yelled out.............

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO."

The Jewish Samurai

Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF Samurai.

A year passed, butonly 3 people applied for the very demanding position: 1. a Japanese Samurai, 2. a Chinese Samurai, and 3. a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai.

The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground.

The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! And the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!" Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

They're Smarter Than You Think

Mom & Dad decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.

A few moments passed."An ambulance just drove by"

A few moments later,"Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

"The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!! Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle.

The Cowboy and the Genie

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Ice Fishing, the Blonde Way

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice-fishing. For weeks she read and studied, until finally she decided she knew enough, and left for her first ice-fishing trip.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved farther along on the ice, and started to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

Amazed, the blonde wasn’t quite sure what to do as this certainly wasn’t covered in any of the books. She picked up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm..

Just as she was about to cut the new hole, the voice came again, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, “Is that you, Lord?” and the voice boomed back, “NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK.”

Snoring

The high school coaches went to a coaches’ retreat. To save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so badly. They decide it’s not fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so decided to take turns.

The first coach sleeps with Daryl and comes to breakfast next morning with his hair a mess, eyes all bloodshot. He said, “Man, that Daryl snored so loud, I watched him all night.”

The next night it was a different coach’s turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. He said, “Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night.”

The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player…a real “Man’s man”. Well, the next morning, he comes to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning.” They can’t believe it! They say, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He watched me all night long.”

Laura Lou

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

“What was that for?” he asked.

“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,” she replied.

He explained, “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”

“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What was that for?”

She replied, “Your horse called.”

Clean Those Restrooms

On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said “Clean Restrooms 8 Miles.” By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

Thoughts for the Day - 14 April 2005

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm?

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

The Parakeet's Disguise

A blonde walked into the paint section of the hardware store and says to the assistant, "I'd like a pint of canary-yellow paint."

"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"

"My parakeet," says the blonde. "I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."

"Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"

"No, they won't."

"Listen, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."

"You're on!" the blonde says.

Two days later the blonde comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten bucks on the counter in front of the clerk.

"So the paint killed your bird?"

"Indirectly," the blonde sighs. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."

Having a Bad Day?

Have things gotcha Down?Are ya havin' a Bad Day????

Well, then, consider this...............................

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crossses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a Bad Day????

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better????

Thoughts for the Day - 12 April 2005

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jest happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm, 'cause the colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

The Creation Story

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, and green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds--so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good."

Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then, Satan created HMOs.

The Most Innocent Story You Will Ever Read

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Bea" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh yes" she replied "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"

The Earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker iswearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense.

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prodshim to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

Marriage in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months pass and the couple was still waiting.

As they waited, they discussed that IF they are allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his> clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Testing at the Mental Asylum

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director which is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub. How he responds determines whether or not we admit them."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the cup."

"Nooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

The Government Announcement

Today, the government announced it's seal is being changed from the Eagle to a CONDOM; this will more accurately reflect the government's true function. The condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Lock Your Doors

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home! A man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his butt. The police suspect a cereal killer.

The Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, t! ook the bill."$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me! my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan it's now $150.00."

Bush or Kerry Fan

A teacher in a small Connecticut town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans. Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy. The teacher asks Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Johnny says; "I'm not a John Kerry fan."

The teacher says; "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"

Johnny says; "I'm a George Bush fan."

The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan. The boy says; "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so that makes me a George Bush fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Connecticut, so she asks; "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan."

Upper Management

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up!"

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the hell was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

The Indian Chief

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe, and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," said one official, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, and all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back, smiled and said, "And the white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

Maxine's Living Will

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

I, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by some ungodly, unholy artificial means. When my number comes up, then it's my turn to go. Under no circumstances should my untimely fate be put in te hands of a bunch of peckerhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a big piece of chocolate, or a good ice cold beer, it should then and only then, be presumed that I won't do so ever again. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery.

It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma and who nonetheless may be in need of nourishment. Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt their noses into my case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the Presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else'slife and leave me the hell alone to die in peace. I couldn't care less if a hundred and ten religious zealots send emails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and/or crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own damn business, too. If any of my family go against my wishes, and turns my case into a political cause, I do hereby solemly promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.

The Cop and the Senior Citizen

A senior citizen bought a brand new Mercedes convertible in Tennessee. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing what little hair he had left on his head.

“This is great”, he thought as he roared down I-40. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

“I can get away from him with no problem” thought the man and he flew down the road over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph! Then he thought, “What am I doing? I am too old for this kind of thing.”

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man, “Sir” he said looking at his watch. “My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I have never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The man looked at the state trooper and said, “Years ago my wife ran off with a Tennessee state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.”

The trooper replied, “Sir, have a nice day.”

Three Blondes and the Detective

Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to notice distinguishing features and oddities such as scars on people’s faces.”

So he showed the photo to the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. “Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?” The blonde immediately said,

“Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”

The detective grabbed the photo, shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!” The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective did the same thing to the 2nd blond and asked “What about you? Notice anything unusual about this man?”

“Yes! He only has one ear!”

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused, too!” The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but… He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying “All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”

The blonde said, “I did. This man wears contact lenses.”

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?”

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “DUH!!! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses!

The Newlyweds and the Bar

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,

"Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop.... but at the bar...you know... they have frozen glasses"

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

"You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise...OK?"

"You want hors d' oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know, there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?

"LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FRICKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A FRICKING BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER...GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

....and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story

Snakes Alive

An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter Soviet offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.

So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.

The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed!"

Geometry as a Second Language

A high-school geometry teacher, started one lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. "If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles."

He noticed that one student wasn't taking notes and asked him why.

"Well," he replied sincerely, "I'm waiting until you start speaking English."

Surely, I Can't Look That Old

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then??

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm … or could he?

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

“Yes. Yes, I did” he said.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1959. Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!” I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled jerk asked, “What did you teach?”

Blue pajamas

A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We’re leaving from the office and I'll swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh, and please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, “Yes! Lots of Bass, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do? You’ll love the answer… The wife replies, “I did, they’re in your tackle box.”

Waiting for a Beer

This guy was lonely and he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So, he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (for the uneducated - a 100 legged bug) which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. He asked the centipede in the box "would you like to go to Frank's Bar with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "how about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and started shouting, 'HEY IN THERE!! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S BAR AND HAVE A BEER WITH ME?"

A little voice came out of the box and said: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my damn shoes!"

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and asked, "Who the Hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

Fascinate the Teacher

A grade school teacher in Las Milpas asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Maria put up her hand and said, "My family went to my Abuelito's (Grandfathers) farm, and we all saw his pet cabrito (goat.) It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "that was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."

Enriqueta shyly raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Los Pyramids, and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Enriqueta, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate."

Pepito raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Pepito before. She finally gave in and decided there was no way he could damage the word so she called on him.

Pepito said, "My Tia (Aunt) Porfidia has a sweater with ten buttons, but her huge melon sized chi-chis are so big she can only fassen eight."

The teacher cried.

Holy Water

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's behind and it'll pass a Harley Davidson."

New Drugs for Women

D A M N I T O L: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N: Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O: Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... Can we get naked now?

BUYAGRA: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T: When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

Painting the Porch

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a ‘handy-woman’ and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch,” he said, “how much will you charge me?”

The blonde, after looking about, responded, “How about $50?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she’s dumb?”

“No”, replied the wife. “I guess I’m guilty of being influenced by all the ‘dumb blonde’ joke emails we’ve been receiving.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” the husband asked.

“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

Made in America

Russian President Putin called President George W Bush with an emergency. "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President."

I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?""Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.

"Oh, and one more, small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem." replied the President.Mr.

Putin hung up and started laughing with his aids about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.

George hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."

"Consider it done", said the president of the condom company.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'Made in America, size small' on each one!"

Coma

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him; "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room; "What happened?" they cried. The husband said, "I guess she choked"