A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer…who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. Well, she dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
“What does it look like?” she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
“Here it is,” she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Hospitality
A Pakistani arrives in New York City. All excited, he stops the first person he meets. "Good day, Mr. American, thank you to accept me in your nice country, and. ." The person interrupts and says: "I am not American, I'm Chinese."
The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another Passer-by: " Thank you Mr. American for to let my family and me stay here..." Again, he is interrupted before finishing his sentence: "I no be American, I be Turk!"
The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by: " Mr. American, me thank you for hospitality you give..." "But my friend, don't you see that I am black? I am African, not American"
He goes a little farther and meets another American and greets him. "Thank you for letting me come to your beautiful country", but he says,"I'm not an American, I'm a Mexican"
"But", answers the Pakistani distressed, "where are the Americans??" The Mexican looks at his watch and says: "Oh, they all work until five."
The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another Passer-by: " Thank you Mr. American for to let my family and me stay here..." Again, he is interrupted before finishing his sentence: "I no be American, I be Turk!"
The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by: " Mr. American, me thank you for hospitality you give..." "But my friend, don't you see that I am black? I am African, not American"
He goes a little farther and meets another American and greets him. "Thank you for letting me come to your beautiful country", but he says,"I'm not an American, I'm a Mexican"
"But", answers the Pakistani distressed, "where are the Americans??" The Mexican looks at his watch and says: "Oh, they all work until five."
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Adult fairytales
CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, andpromised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball,but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderellaagrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Anylater, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to behome by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn'tshow up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck andvery satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Yourdiaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met aprince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." The Fairy Godmotherstated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other.....
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain aboutsplinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visitGepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaperwherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple weekslater, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him,"How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the BigBad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat,said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red RidingHood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a ...44 magnum andpointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, justlike it says in the book."
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said toMickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him,knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me!Lie to me!"
Did you know...Captain Hook died from jock itch.
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him andduring her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to havesex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said,"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, " Tarzan,you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She tookoff her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," shesaid, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, steppedcloser and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled aroundin agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain aboutsplinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visitGepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaperwherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple weekslater, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him,"How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the BigBad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat,said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red RidingHood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a ...44 magnum andpointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, justlike it says in the book."
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said toMickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him,knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me!Lie to me!"
Did you know...Captain Hook died from jock itch.
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him andduring her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to havesex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said,"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, " Tarzan,you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She tookoff her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," shesaid, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, steppedcloser and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled aroundin agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.
Noah in the year 2005
The Lord came to Noah, in the year 2005. The earth was wicked and over-populated.
The Lord instructed Noah to build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans. "Here's the blueprint", said the Lord. "Hurry.... in six months I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later the rain started. The Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his flooded yard.... and no ark. "Noah", He roared, "Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "Things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I have violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and the height limitation being exceeded, we had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation and the state Department of Highways wanted a bond posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of this.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. No go!
I gathered the animals, but then I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They also argued that the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in so confined a space.
The Environmental Protection Agency decided that I could not build the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Department of Health and Human Services on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. The trades union wants me to hire only Union trades-people with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally as well as with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. A rainbow stretched across! the sky. Noah looked up in wonder. "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" he asked.
"No", said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it."
The Lord instructed Noah to build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans. "Here's the blueprint", said the Lord. "Hurry.... in six months I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later the rain started. The Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his flooded yard.... and no ark. "Noah", He roared, "Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "Things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I have violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and the height limitation being exceeded, we had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation and the state Department of Highways wanted a bond posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of this.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. No go!
I gathered the animals, but then I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They also argued that the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in so confined a space.
The Environmental Protection Agency decided that I could not build the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Department of Health and Human Services on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. The trades union wants me to hire only Union trades-people with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally as well as with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. A rainbow stretched across! the sky. Noah looked up in wonder. "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" he asked.
"No", said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it."
The Secret Code
The French government received a coded message from Bush Administration. It read:
S370HSSV-0773H
The French government was stumped and sent for the French Information Agency. The FIA was stumped too, so it went to the Russians. The Russians couldn't solve it either, so they asked the Germans. The Germans, having received this same message during WWII from the Americans, suggested turning it upside down ......
S370HSSV-0773H
The French government was stumped and sent for the French Information Agency. The FIA was stumped too, so it went to the Russians. The Russians couldn't solve it either, so they asked the Germans. The Germans, having received this same message during WWII from the Americans, suggested turning it upside down ......
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Top 10 Indicators That Your Employeer Has Changed to a Cheaper Health Care Plan
1. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
2. Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
4. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
5. The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "An apple a day."
6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
7. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges."
8. The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
9. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND FINALLY..........
10. You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
2. Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
4. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
5. The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "An apple a day."
6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
7. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges."
8. The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
9. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND FINALLY..........
10. You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Monday, March 28, 2005
Smart dogs
An Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist, a Government Employee were talking about how smart their dogs were.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "Tsquare, do your stuff."
Tsquare pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your dog do?". The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "Tsquare, do your stuff."
Tsquare pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your dog do?". The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
The Husband Super Store
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the store to findsome husbands...
First floor: The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor: The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor: This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor: This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor: The sign on that door read, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, and we hope you fall down the stairs."
A couple of girlfriends went to the store to findsome husbands...
First floor: The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor: The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor: This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor: This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor: The sign on that door read, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, and we hope you fall down the stairs."
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Thought for the day - 26 March 2005
The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know.
Old age, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body - but I don't agonize over it for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read until 4 am, and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50's & 60's, and if I at the same time wish to weep over a lost love, I will. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten; and I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. I can say "no", and mean it. I can say "yes", and mean it. As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer the question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. For the first time in my life, I don't have to have a reason to do the things I want to do. If I want to play games on the computer all day, lay on the couch and watch old movies for hours or don't want to go to the beach or a movie, I have earned that right. I have put in my time doing everything for others, so now I can be a bit selfish without feeling guilty.
I sometimes feel sorry for the young. They face a far different world than I knew growing up, where we feared the law, respected the old, the flag, our country. I never felt the need to use filthy language in order to express myself. And they too will grow old someday. I am grateful to have been born when I was, into a kinder, gentler world. Yes, I like being old!
Old age, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body - but I don't agonize over it for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read until 4 am, and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50's & 60's, and if I at the same time wish to weep over a lost love, I will. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten; and I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. I can say "no", and mean it. I can say "yes", and mean it. As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer the question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. For the first time in my life, I don't have to have a reason to do the things I want to do. If I want to play games on the computer all day, lay on the couch and watch old movies for hours or don't want to go to the beach or a movie, I have earned that right. I have put in my time doing everything for others, so now I can be a bit selfish without feeling guilty.
I sometimes feel sorry for the young. They face a far different world than I knew growing up, where we feared the law, respected the old, the flag, our country. I never felt the need to use filthy language in order to express myself. And they too will grow old someday. I am grateful to have been born when I was, into a kinder, gentler world. Yes, I like being old!
the difference between potentially and realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars.............. but Realistically,......... we're living with two Sluts and a Queer."
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars.............. but Realistically,......... we're living with two Sluts and a Queer."
Friday, March 25, 2005
Finkelstein, the Tailor
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe.
After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.
A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit!
He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"
Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.
He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"
"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman."
The two of them debated this for some time.
Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.
A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.
Can you guess what it read??
Lord & Taylor
After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.
A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit!
He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"
Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.
He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"
"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman."
The two of them debated this for some time.
Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.
A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.
Can you guess what it read??
Lord & Taylor
Thoughts for the day - 25 March 2005
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24. They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27.Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. Will Rogers
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24. They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27.Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. Will Rogers
Thoughts for the day - 24 March 2005
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the most tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the most tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
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